Being impatient. Being impatient. Being impatient.
But when you feel empty every minute is like an hour.

I was fine earlier today. Good, even. Talking to people, enjoying myself.
I still have no motivation to work, though. Today we were talked through two more huge projects due in just a few months. I'm so scared that I won't be able to perform to the best of my ability again, because of the stupid things going around in my head.

And at the same time I just feel like I've done something horribly, horribly wrong to... him... I want to ask him, talk to him like we used to just a mere week or so, back before I apparently ruined everything....

I wish I could read minds sometimes. I need to know what he's thinking before my mind makes up something worse.

Should I make the first move? I'm still the same awkward person I've always been but today I had a tiny glimmer of empowerment, the sense of belonging for the first time in my life. Now I'm back home and alone again, it's as if it never happened - my mind gives no value to today's successes and I don't know why. So angry at myself, and I'm still petrified of rejection. I think I've lost my chance. I don't know what to say or do anymore, I just smile at him and laugh and hope that's enough to pick up the pieces.

That absolutely horrible feeling of impatience and tension, knowing someone likes you as more than just friends, and you like them as more than just friends, but then something happens and you're left wondering if it's just too awkward to ever work. Plus the added pressure of being constantly reminded of a previous failed relationship screwing everything up in my head and affecting everything in my future.

...ugh, I wish I could stop thinking about this already. Need need need a distraction.

.....yes, I'm being impatient, but I hate wallowing in this emotional pain, I just wish things would be sorted out already. I wish I could read minds, I wish I could say what I mean and not be so awkward and vague about things. I wish I was more decisive. I wish I wasn't so judgemental. I wish I trusted nice people. I wish I didn't have social phobia. I wish my shyness didn't come across as disinterest; it's the exact opposite. I wish I could back to a particular time three days ago and do things differently...

...and I wish he knew.

If I'm honest, I don't even know... I was perfectly fine earlier, and now I've just been thinking over everything that's happened in the last week, regretting everything I've said and done, thinking everyone's ridiculing me behind my back and just generally hating everything. I kind of don't want to go back to lectures tomorrow.