Being impatient. Being impatient. Being impatient.
But when you feel empty every minute is like an hour.
I was fine earlier today. Good, even. Talking to people, enjoying myself.
I still have no motivation to work, though. Today we were talked through two more huge projects due in just a few months. I'm so scared that I won't be able to perform to the best of my ability again, because of the stupid things going around in my head.
And at the same time I just feel like I've done something horribly, horribly wrong to... him... I want to ask him, talk to him like we used to just a mere week or so, back before I apparently ruined everything....
I wish I could read minds sometimes. I need to know what he's thinking before my mind makes up something worse.
Should I make the first move? I'm still the same awkward person I've always been but today I had a tiny glimmer of empowerment, the sense of belonging for the first time in my life. Now I'm back home and alone again, it's as if it never happened - my mind gives no value to today's successes and I don't know why. So angry at myself, and I'm still petrified of rejection. I think I've lost my chance. I don't know what to say or do anymore, I just smile at him and laugh and hope that's enough to pick up the pieces.