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Unknown_1
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Paranoia
   Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:53 pm

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Paranoia

Permanent Linkby Unknown_1 on Sun Mar 24, 2013 3:53 pm

Feeling paranoid a lot lately. Paranoid about the forums, about being identified in real-life. I like the forums, people are very nice, but I just feel like I've disclosed so much personal stuff on here, I get so much anxiety about it, very tempted to stop coming on here, even though I'd really miss talking to people on here. Definitely trying to moderate self-disclosure lately, I noticed with increasing emotional instability I had become a lot less inhibited about what I have posted. It feels unsafe on here, but sometimes it's my only social contact, but I feel conflicted, I know I'd miss it a lot, but I also know I just get so paranoid of being found out. I guess it just feels so exposing to be on here after previous self-disclosures. I don't know if I can handle that feeling of exposure, the anxiety is awful. Maybe I'll be able to accept it, or perhaps not.

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Change

Permanent Linkby Unknown_1 on Thu Jan 03, 2013 10:29 am

So Im posting this before I become pessimistic again. Here goes...

How does one go from being super avoidant of everything, to all of a sudden feel super dependent? Damn it, I'm always trying to feel in control and invulnerable, and now I'm not. I feel like I've been able to cope with my emotions, I turned that part of myself off, I have been asexual for years, and it made me sad, but it allowed me to remain in control. Now I feel so out of control, so distant from myself, yet simultaneously when I'm not dissociating, I actually feel like I'm actually being me, like maybe I'm actually coming back to the person that I am, and although the AvPD will always be there, and I will always be paranoid about what other people think, and will always be insecure, but maybe its about me ignoring that voice saying I'm not good enough, about reminding myself that this is not based on reality, that is the AvPD part of me, the one that wants to keep me locked away until I kill myself from total self-imposed isolation.

Well I say, screw you AvPD, you have taken away too much of my life. I have spent far too long being your slave, being everyone's slave. Being so scared to breathe because I think I'm taking up too much space. What a load of crap, as a human being I deserve to live my life, not just merely exist waiting for the moment I finally get the courage to kill myself. I've been there, sure I could have killed myself successfully, and I often wish I had, but once I'm dead, that's it, there's nothing else, there's no better place, its just black emptiness. I can either choose to go into that abyss, or I can choose to follow what my authentic self wants, which is to actually live, to breathe, and one day, breathe without fear, to one day accept who I am, my personality, my looks, everything, it wont happen overnight, and its ridiculously hard and terrifying, but honestly, that little kid who spent her whole life scared of everything around her deserves to feel safe, she deserves to experience even one moment of true happiness in her life, to no longer be punished for crap she never did, and hell, I'm going to do everything I possibly can to give that to her, because she deserves it.

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Psychiatrists....

Permanent Linkby Unknown_1 on Tue Dec 18, 2012 3:05 pm

I went to the psychiatrist last week, after feeling all over the place, one minute okay, perhaps even good ( :? ), to intense suicidal ideation and flash forwards of killing myself. I talked to her about this (Well most of it, except divulging the suicidal flash forwards),and she was pretty understanding. She did say that the nightmares and the insomnia were related to the Moclobemide, but she was curious about the hypomanic type symptoms. She did prescribe Seroquel again, of which she normally just gives me samples, and being in Aus, you can only get it subsidised if you are listed as Bipolar, which doesn't bother me personally, but it can potentially be an issue for my profession, so its something I'm now more conscious of, but I just am trying to concentrate on getting better. So anyway, she said to me "I've got to say you have Bipolar on this script, but you don't, your manic only when your medications aren't working"- Um what??? I'm sitting in her office, feeling terribly unstable, and she tells me this? Does that mean I have Bipolar, or I don't? I mean I haven't even spoken about the super depersonalization and occasional hallucinations that I have at times.

I mean this bipolar hasn't been mentioned before, beyond the obvious discussion of family history. I've been diagnosed with AvPD, MDD amongst other Axis 1 diagnoses from psychologists, and had a very provisional diagnosis of BPII at 14, but no-one has mentioned BP since I turned 18. So although I know a label shouldn't matter, now my brain is wondering, is this hypomanic-like state going to happen again? I know I've had this before when I was a teen, but since I was 17 I haven't had this, so I'm wondering, is this something which could happen again? I don't know which is more frightening, the crushing lows, or this feeling of out-of-control dizzy highs?

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Vague memories

Permanent Linkby Unknown_1 on Fri Dec 07, 2012 2:15 pm

I remember my dissociation starting very early on, I cant remember when. I remember being 'friendly' with a young friend who was a boy, I was 10 or so, he being a year younger. He had been molested from infancy. When I was a kid, I though we were just playing, but it did hurt, and it wasnt till later that i felt really guilty. I guess I really just blocked it out, I never told anybody, nobody has ever known, not even my therapists. As I got older, I became more strongly attracted to males, but I felt horrible for having these feelings and desires. This got worse and worse as I got older. After my recent self-harm because of being told im attractive, it made me think about this, maybe this was what scared me, that taps back into the guilt I have about that experience. I dont know. Im hoping to work on it.

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Feeling great??

Permanent Linkby Unknown_1 on Tue Dec 04, 2012 2:16 pm

Okay, complete turn around I know. As I said in my post about meds and possible manic state, Im concerned about this feeling. I guess I wonder whether Ive been depressed for so long that this feeling of enjoyment in things is actually me, although I could definitely do without the less desirable side effects as described, still making me fill very :oops: . Anyway, just needed to note it, particularly with my memory being still crap at the moment.

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