I feel so low. Because of the reason why I feel low, and my own opinion about me feeling the way I do about it.
Normally, when you hear people say "this is the worst time of my life" they have lost somebody or have an illness. So you must think I am spoiled when it's not one of these things. But still I feel incredibly bad, and if it wasn't for my family I would probably have been suicidal.

Anyway, its about this woman Sofia Valentine. I feel like she stole my life. She is an erotic model and pornstar. She looks a bit like me, only way prettier. She lives the life I wanted to live. She has the most amazing tattoos.
It feels like Sofia looked into my head, grabbed my identity and left me feel identityless.
After all, if someone else is already how you want to be, what are you, then?
I am nothing. Nothing anymore.
I have tears in my eyes and I feel like if I am going to cry I will never stop.
Thanks Sofia, for stealing my life.
I will hate you forever.

And even if I feel so bad, I can not do anything about it. I want to cut myself, but I still live with my parents. I want to commit suicide but on the other hand I don't;. I can't take being life anymore. I want to lock myself up in the house and never come out of it. I know this is selfish, I keep reading the story of Jacqueline Saburido. But even her strength does not give me the will to live anymore. I will just wait untill I die.
And I do not have help because psychologists and psychiatrists say there is nothing wrong with me. I hate them as well.
I don't care about anything anymore.

*note to myself, why do I post so much online in capital? Well, not to make others say I'm stupid, because whatever, they already do. I guess its because in real life, my voice is horrible, it is too low, soft and EASY TO IGNORE. So thats why, in real life, when I want to be heard, I literally have to scream..otherwise I'm labeled 'that invisible person'. I've had enough of that, can you imagine? I'd rather annoy the hell out of others than ever make them ignore me like I'm a piece of $#%^ again. You know what, losers? I DO EXIST. DEAL WITH IT!!!!!!*

I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY I JUST CAN'T BE HAPPY
WHY? I HAVE EVERYTHING AND I AM HEALTHY.
SO WHY DO I GET MAD AT OTHERS? WHY DO THEY GET MAD AT ME?
WHATEVER, I HAVE STOPPED CARING
I HATE THIS FORUM. IT IS NOT ON MY SIDE. THE ONLY GOOD THING IS THAT YOU CAN LABEL OTHERS AS FRIEND OR FOE. IT'S THE BEST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON A FORUM.

I MEAN, TOO OFTEN IN REAL LIFE YOU JUST DO NOT CALL SOMEONE "AN ENEMY". FOR SOME REASON GROWNUPS DO NOT DO THIS. WHILE YOU CAN'T IGNORE THAT YOU JUST F UCKING HATE SOME PEOPLE AND THEY HATE YOU. BUT YOU HAVE TO BE GROWN UP AND "STAND ABOVE THEM". EVEN THOUGH THAT ONLY MAKES YOU FRUSTRATED. AND WHY? TO HOLD THE ILLUSION THAT YOU ARE OH SO NUANCED AND THEREFORE INTELLIGENT? WELL SCREW IT. I ALSO HATE IT WHEN OTHERS SAY "DO NOT SCREAM SO LOUD OTHERS MAY HEAR YOU". SO WHAT??! WHAT THE HELL DO I CARE IF OTHER STUPID CONVERSEVATIVE PEOPLE THAT I DO NOT EVEN KNOW ARE JUDGING ME? OF COURSE I DO NOT F UCKING CARE! THEY CAN HEAR ME DISCUSSING MY CATS HEMORRHAGES WITH THE PET VET IF THEY WANT! IF I AM ANGRY I AM ANGRY AND IF OTHERS HEAR IT I DO NOT FEEL LESS BECAUSE OF THAT. THEY MUST BE F UCKING ROBOTS IF THEY NEVER GET ANGRY THEMSELVES. SERIOUSLY I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY PEOPLE TRY TO ACT BETTER THAN THEY ARE AND WHY "BETTER" MEANS REPRESSING YOUR EMOTIONS. UNLESS THEY ARE POSITIVE. THEN EVERYBODY BECOMES A LOUD SCREAMING STUPID FLOCK OF SHEEP AND THEN EVERYBODY STILL HATES YOU BECAUSE YOU DO NOT ACT HAPPY ENOUGH. I'VE HAD IT WITH MANKIND, I REALLY DO.

WE HAVE FRIENDS
WE HAVE FOES
AND THERE IS JUST ONE OTHER CATEGORY:
"UNDECIDED"
THAT MEANS LACK OF PROOF

THE ONLY COMPLAINT I HAVE IS THAT YOU CAN NOT LABEL YOURSELF A FOE AS WELL
THATS THE PHILOSOPHY OF THIS FORUM RIGHT???
EVERYBODY AGAINST UNIMPORTANT?? THATS IT, YOU SEEK A SCAPEGOAT? TO ANNOY??
WELL I DO NOT F UCKING CARE IF YOU HATE ME! I DO NOT F UCKING CARE!
I HATE YOU MORE THAN YOU CAN EVER IMAGINE!
YOU ARE SO PATHETIC!

If I was my own boyfriend, I'd:

- never leave me because of something stupid like that I am "too much in love"
- want to ###$ myself every hour but would respect boundaries unless it was sort of rape play and I'd know I would like that
- give myself flowers and all that other romantic crap that my friends get from their boyfriends for nothing it does not have to be expensive it just needs to show a bit of effort and that its coming from a good heart
- go to great lengths to please myself and do most of the things she asks
- comfort her when she feels bad with endless patience
- be the first to make up after a fight
- [b]come back no matter how bad the fight was. always come back. always. because I cannot live without myself. she is not just somebody. She is myself. She is special enough to care about and not DUMP HER BECAUSE OF THE SLIGHEST PROBLEM. She is worth FIGHTING FOR, SUFFERING FOR. SUUUFFFFEEERRRRIIIINGGGG FOOOORRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THE WAY SHE WOULD SUFFER FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!! I WOULD NOT BE A COWARD! I WOULD NOT BE A COWARD! I WOULD NOT BE A COWARD!!!!!!!!!! [/b]
- treat all her friends and family very nicely with the motto her friends are my friends too
- just love myself the way nobody else could...grow old with myself, always be at her side, trough good and bad times etc.

goddamnit I wish I could just be my own boyfriend, I would make my friends so jealous
http://www.freewebs.com/thenotebookmovie/cap132.JPG
I wish I could find someone like Noah from the movie The Notebook <3
haha..."go out with me or I'll let myself fall" "Hmm..I don't know..have to think about it!"
"i'll do it!' "Ehm OK!!!"

GAHH I HATE THESE IDIOTS HERE.
What are they? ANTISOCIALS. They are just pathetic excuses for human beings diagnosed? with of all things, antisocial personality disorder and they think they can tell ME how I should feel and behave? Jump in front of a bridge, suckers! I wouldn't care about your opinion if you were the last human being on earth....sheep, they like to say the exact same as others already have said to prove their superiority afterwards (after all, if you say something that has been said 157778447 times before you can also use as an argument "everyone says the saaammmeee...Myyyy briillliiiaaanntttt opinion isss thheeee trrruuuttthhhh...) Stupid stupid brainless piece of $#%^, do not write to me ever again, I ######6 HATE you
Anyway...

They say I do not have NPD but if there is SOMETHING I'm sure about, i't's that I have NPD. It is not nice, it is not a pretty truth, in fact it is horrible, but for some reason I KNOW I have it.
and not the overt NPD, but covert...The person that seems nice at first glance. Well, nice....She seems humble, insecure, modest... Good at listening. But there is something "off" about her seemingly nice character that everyone notices right away. Beware if you are a friend and you are better off than her. She needs to be the prettiest, and will act out with tantrums if she feels she is ignored. She feels like nobody sees how interesting she is. At the same time she thinks that if people know her real, egoistic, boring self they will hate her. She is indifferent to people leaving her, unless they used to provide praise and special attention and make her feel like she actually is the illusion she has about herself.
Sometimes the emptiness gets too much because she is afraid she will not able to love anybody besides herself. then she turns to self harm, but controlled and specially planned to show the world how miserable her first world life really is, when nobody notices her suffering she just hates them.
In short, she is egoistic in square, made even worse because it is covered in modesty. End of story.

if I was a guy and I had the privilege to meet myself I would probably mail her the text of this Justin Bieber (yes, the kill it with fire Justin Bieber has a good song in my opinion) song:

If I was your boyfriend, never let you go
Keep you on my arm girl, you’d never be alone
I can be a gentleman, anything you want
If I was your boyfriend, I’d never let you go, I’d never let you go

So give me a chance, 'cause you’re all I need, girl
Spend a week with your boy, I’ll be calling you my girlfriend
If I was your man (if I was your man) I’d never leave you girl
I just want to love you, and treat you right

Creepy right, that I sort out songs that I want somebody to sing for me? Well, nobody ever said something like this song to me before so !@#@ them, at least I love myself, I will never leave myself and I know my own shortcomings and don't mind them and at least I APPRECIATE MY GOOD PERSONALITY TRAITS something that other people seem to find a little difficult the GUYS at least. !@#@ it guys !@#@ it I do not need you! Even if the sex with you is good, you will never love me the way I love myself so whatever I do not care what your personality is, how you look like etc.. I am just.not.interested.

I don't know why I am still on this forum because I hate it so much.
But it is like love; you get addicted to it.
I mean, visiting this forum either makes me want to cry, hurt myself and never come out of bed, but sometimes (like now) it just makes me angry, really angry, furious. And while I do not like the fact that I can not do anything with it, sitting in front of my computer, I like to imagine hurting others. But I don't do it. So it's like the best of both worlds, since it feels relieving, but I do not go to jail for, for example, just imagine how I am killing someone.

In the past, when I was in such a mood, it would not take long before the tables turned and I became my own victim. However, I discovered how to skip that phase.
Now I just say to myself: "You have a wonderful life and you are spoiled, don't you dare to become angry at yourself because becoming angry is the precursor of self hate and self hate is the precursor of self pity and self pity is the precursor of depression and depression when there is nothing wrong with you is the precursor of misery because no one is going to get that and in the end you will be blamed for it and it is a vicious downward spiral"
And that voice is right - it learned from experience. It is the only person that is able to help me - myself.
Why can't I just stop feeling angry, then? Because I don't want to. Even if the whole world disapproves, I still have the right to be angry. So maybe thats why I like being furious without a reason, why it is such a great experience. I used to tell myself that I had no right to be angry, but now I finally convinced myself that I was wrong. I have the right to feel angry just like any other person.
So now I know I have that right I enjoy taking it to the limit. Just by experiencing the beautiful feeling of tense, heart that is beating faster, the lovely sensation of shifting between feeling cold and feeling hot. The skin that turns red, the body trembling.
And I do not have to make any excuses for it.
And I have the self control to keep myself from doing bad things.
It is like saying..###$ you all...I don't even care enough to hurt you even when I'm this angry