I'm actually feeling better than I have for some time, so take this for what it is. I'm just tired, physically, mentally.
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I've been talking to a therapist (?? or whatever the translation for that would be) for a few weeks now. Since I never talk to people about anything that is not utterly superficial (school, work, the weather, dogs, music...) it has been quite interesting.
Today she asked me if I thought that it was helping. I said that I don't know. Because I don't generally know. But now I know that this last session was not helping at all. It brought me from "quite ok" to "loosely contemplating suicide...again" (don't worry, I'm extremely bad at turning my thoughts into actions).
We were talking about my almost complete lack of ambition or goals. The only discernible long time goal I can find inside myself is "I don't want to move back home again". She didn't like it since it is a negative - excluding - goal, but we still discussed how to reach it and things like that. And the more we talked the more I realized how badly suited I am for the entire hiring process. For example I am completely incapable of "selling myself" in either text (a job application) or in person (an interview).
I'm not a long time planner, I rarely think more than two weeks ahead. Any job is at least one year away, probably twice that.
It just makes me tired. Why is it unacceptable to be without ambitions? Why can't my work speak for me? Why isn't it ok to just be me?
Why should I have to try to change myself, to make money so that I can live, when I'm not really interested in living? It just seems like too much work and no reward.