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There is no point to these blogs. I just have to get it out of my head. Read if you like. Don't expect it to make sense though.
Twentyseven
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The impulse to stop

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Tue Nov 15, 2011 10:19 pm

Quite often, especially when I'm out walking my dog, I get the impulse to just stop, lay down wherever I am and do nothing. When that is not possible (because of snow or rain or traffic etc.) I just stand still staring at nothing at all. Starting up again is hard. It feels like there is something I have to fight to manage to move and gain momentum again. Twice I have come in from walks and just lain down right inside the door and stayed there for an hour or so. I have woken up in the middle of the night and decided that it would be better to lay on the floor (it wasn't, because it was too cold). My apartment is usually too dirty (I rarely vacuum), but when I visit my parents' house I quite often get the sudden impulse to just lay down on the kitchen floor, and do so.

Laying on the floor is not a problem... that's just weird. That impulse to stop, on the other hand, feels paralysing. Like an extension of my utter disinterest in life. Why do anything at all? Just lay down here and sleep until it all stops with me.

I think it's happening more often nowadays.

I have also gained another rung on the ladder to procrastination mastery (I'm procrastinating right now). It feels related to the stopping. I have to work, need to work, fully intend to work... but still don't. There is something I have to fight to gain momentum here as well, and most of the time I loose. It's not like I do anything important or even entertaining with my procrastination-gained time, often I do practically or literally nothing instead. It is however harder to start doing something from doing practically nothing in my apartment than to start walking again from standing still and staring at nothing in the forest. If nothing else my dog's patience is rather short and he will not tolerate me standing around forever ignoring him.

That dog has probably saved my life. I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing though.

Okay, so, ten out of ten for style, but minus several million for good thinking, okay?
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