Oh, 2012 was a black year (just read the last few blog posts on here). That was the worst time of my life. I have since talked to therapists, taken medicine, moved away and, finally, moved back.

I have gotten better. My avolition is not as bad, I rarely think about suicide. But I would _hardly_ call myself cured.

My father thinks I'm cured... but that man only sees what he wants to see.
My latest therapist (who is very good, by the way) has expressed something to that effect too.
I think all they can see is the difference. Because there certainly is difference. A positive and quite big one.

But I still don't feel good.

I'm apathetic and lack motivation.
It is so very hard to get things done.
Every molehill is like a mountain.
I sleep too much.
I eat too little. (I don't really feel hunger)
I can't keep to my schedule.

I would need someone to follow behind me constantly, so they could poke me with a stick to get me moving again whenever I loose speed. But I'm not very social. Frankly, I hate living with other people... eventhough I know it's good for me. Or is it? It helps me keep to my routines -> I feel better. But at the same time I constantly feel watched and stressed out -> not very good.

--

I just had a small breakdown and needed to release my thoughts.

If I don't pull myself together I will have to take a break from university. Again!

If I don't call CSN and try to solve that mess I won't have money to pay my rent.

Time to take a deep breath and start over. Keep to my routines. Start by taking my medicine when I'm done writing this. Yep.

...

It's just so hard when there is no meaning.

Apathy is a killer.
As someone said - I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.