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There is no point to these blogs. I just have to get it out of my head. Read if you like. Don't expect it to make sense though.
Twentyseven
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Same $#%^, different year
   Sun Oct 25, 2015 3:30 am

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Same $#%^, different year

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Sun Oct 25, 2015 3:30 am

Oh, 2012 was a black year (just read the last few blog posts on here). That was the worst time of my life. I have since talked to therapists, taken medicine, moved away and, finally, moved back.

I have gotten better. My avolition is not as bad, I rarely think about suicide. But I would _hardly_ call myself cured.

My father thinks I'm cured... but that man only sees what he wants to see.
My latest therapist (who is very good, by the way) has expressed something to that effect too.
I think all they can see is the difference. Because there certainly is difference. A positive and quite big one.

But I still don't feel good.

I'm apathetic and lack motivation.
It is so very hard to get things done.
Every molehill is like a mountain.
I sleep too much.
I eat too little. (I don't really feel hunger)
I can't keep to my schedule.

I would need someone to follow behind me constantly, so they could poke me with a stick to get me moving again whenever I loose speed. But I'm not very social. Frankly, I hate living with other people... eventhough I know it's good for me. Or is it? It helps me keep to my routines -> I feel better. But at the same time I constantly feel watched and stressed out -> not very good.

--

I just had a small breakdown and needed to release my thoughts.

If I don't pull myself together I will have to take a break from university. Again!

If I don't call CSN and try to solve that mess I won't have money to pay my rent.

Time to take a deep breath and start over. Keep to my routines. Start by taking my medicine when I'm done writing this. Yep.

...

It's just so hard when there is no meaning.

Apathy is a killer.
As someone said - I don't want to die, I just don't want to live.

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Doing Nothing

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Tue Dec 11, 2012 7:12 am

First I sat at my computer for a few hours and tried to start a game or come up with something else tolerable to do.
It did not happen.

Then I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling for two hours. Tried to read, tried to sleep.
No.

Now I'm at the computer again. It's going about as well as expected.

-----

Rinse and repeat, every day.

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Moving slowly

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Wed Aug 15, 2012 3:50 pm

I've been thinking about suicide for years now. It may still be a few years until I'm ready, but today I feel like I will actually be able to go through with it one day. This is my way. I spend years doing mental preparation and then one day I buy a dog/talk to a therapist/kill myself.

I want to be ready. I want to know the final how and when. Put things in order.

The weather is perfect, the forest is dry. It could have been today. But no.

I miss my dog.

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Frustration

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Tue Jun 19, 2012 6:14 am

I
am
so
frustrated.

There is nothing to do. I can't enjoy anything. I have slept so much these last few days.
At the moment I'm having trouble even starting things. I think and plan, but don't do. Not even such a small thing as closing the door to stop the room from being completely run over with mosquitoes - that took five hours.

And there is nothing to do about it.

I'm going to bed again - unconsciousness is better.

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...

Permanent Linkby Twentyseven on Mon May 21, 2012 12:25 pm

I am worse than ever. Back in the hole.
I experience that every tiniest bump in the road becomes a mountain when life is meaningless and you are without any motivation.
I wish I had the nerve to kill myself.
But so far I'm still here. Will I really have to hang around here for decades before this $#%^ is over?

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