I came here because I read something that described me very well. Still, I don't know if I'm making it up or not. I have always liked things that deviate, and a personality disorder would fit that description. But still... My grandmother is in the hospital and I feel nothing. I didn't just imagine that I have trouble connecting.
I have no goals in life and I can't remember a time when I ever had that. I'm just following the stream. I have no motivations, few opinions, no friends, not many feelings except for occasional anger. I used to be different. Nothing radical, but at least I had hobbies... and depression.
However empty I may feel now I think this recent insight has been very good for me. I used to do all the things people do because of "what would I do otherwise?" and "that's just what you do, isn't it?". As I said, following the stream. I didn't really enjoy it, but I never even reflected over the fact that everyone else seemingly did. Two years ago I felt so lonely that I thought I was going to kill myself if it didn't stop. But I didn't want to be with people. I wanted to be wanted and liked, but the times that I was actually invited I didn't want to come. Not because of fear or anxiety (though I've had a moderate amount of that in the past), but rather because I'd been there before and knew that it bored me. It is better now because I'm starting to understand who I am.
I don't know where I was going with this... just clearing my head perhaps.
Sleep would be nice.