I don't exactly feel bad these days. It is now several years since I felt that constant inner pain. I was thinking about suicide constantly then. But now... I don't feel much at all. It is a noticeable absence of feelings. It certainly doesn't feel good either.

In one way I think I hit bottom back then. When I cried and cried, stared and drooled. In another way _this_ feels like the bottom. I no longer really enjoy anything. I cannot make myself act. My classes started over a month ago but I haven't lifted a finger, and I just don't care any more. I don't leave the house. I don't bother with hygiene. I hardly eat. At least I still went to school and _tried_ before. Now I just don't see the point... Well, I have never really seen the point, just kind of followed the stream and done what was expected. But now the momentum has been lost and I can't get going again.

I keep lying to my parents. When I saw a school counsellor some months ago she asked who I talk to. No one, of course. Sharing my thought and actions is a very alien and uncomfortable concept to me. But I don't like lying. I wish they would just stop asking.