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caughtinafray's ventilation chamber
For lack of other potential purposes, I use this blog to vent my emotions. Basically. It doesn't do much good.

This is where my hidden thoughts go, the ones that are impractical to express verbally, as it would most likely result in something along the lines of me being locked away in a psychiatric hospital against my will, which would be the fourth time. Here, I reveal the real me, overtly, yet discreetly.
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Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:39 pm

I had another "moment" just now. I thought about how bitter and insensitive I was in the past. Especially toward my mother, I thought about how I was so closed off and uncaring when she was trying everything to help me, and I was overtaken by emotion. I held back the tears that wanted to come through, but if I wanted to I probably could have easily let it all out right then and there. Even as I type this, I'm still doing it a little.

I feel so guilty about the way I've been wishing she'd just forget about me, wishing I'd never have to be in any contact with her again.

It was horrible of me.

Other than that, I've still been feeling pretty worthless, and that I've never made a positive difference to anyone. Other users have spoken of how they lost a loved one, grew up with careless parents, been treated with blatant disrespect; all the atrocities, and it's made me think........... "Who am I to complain?"

DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?) | suspecting BPD and Selective Mutism

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter | Empathy Quotient: 14/80

"Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things."
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Sun Jan 08, 2017 6:42 pm

And the way I was considering suicide with little to no regard for how it would impact others. What the ###$ is wrong with me.
DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?) | suspecting BPD and Selective Mutism

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter | Empathy Quotient: 14/80

"Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things."
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Sun Jan 08, 2017 11:29 pm

Nothing that ain't wrong with many of us.

Who are any of us, to complain, sweetie? We can always find someone that's worse off, from our perspective. Does that invalidate the burden we ourselves carry? No.

Three things have kept me from rashly taking my own life, the finality of it, the fear of it, and that I won't do that to the few people that might be affected. But I think it's easy to think about it, until that reminder kicks in. You HAVE given it regard, sweets- you're writing about it, now....
Tell someone you love them today, because Life is short. But scream it at them in Klingon, because Life is also terrifying and confusing.

ISFP. And a bunch of weirdness.

We do not delete posts.
Let it go.
Without (forum) rules, we all might as well be up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby caughtinafray on Mon Jan 09, 2017 1:31 am

If nothing else, I suppose I could be grateful that I'm feeling what I was numb to before.

Thanks for the words of wisdom, in all sincerity, I needed them :)
DX: Asperger Syndrome, ADHD, Bipolar 1 (Actually 2?) | suspecting BPD and Selective Mutism

UTC -5:00 North America | INTerPreter | Empathy Quotient: 14/80

"Efficiency is doing things right. Effectiveness is doing the right things."
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Re: Sorrow.....

Permanent Linkby RoseValentine on Tue Jan 10, 2017 6:01 pm

I just read this post and I know how you feel. Even though I'm still a bit young, when I was a child I used to be mean, even with my parents. Now, when I talk with them, they say that I'm a lovely girl and it's like they don't remember how I was. It's strange, but as long as they're happy, it doesn't matter. People forgive because they know we are all humans and we all make mistakes, especially when we're young. Maybe your mother doesn't even remember the things that you did, so try not to think about them. That's the past, now think about the better person you've become.
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