since a couple days ago i feel like my compulsion is coming back. i hadn't had an erection in 3 weeks until yesterday, so i believe it is the physical symptom of something i had been feeling in my mind. today i had some more erections and a relatively strong sexual urge. to make it all worse, an old hookup contacted me (funny how it ALWAYS happens in these crucial moments) and it totally destabilized me.
i have not uninstalled my hookup apps. i think it is because i'm afraid that if i do that i might lose the only outlet for my urges over which i still have some control and then when i go bollocks i will just go for something much worse. the guy contacted me through the one app i use that sends notifications, but i have no idea what's going on the other app because i haven't opened it for a long time. now i feel really really tempted to open it and have sex with this guy i've had a lot of sex with before.
on the one side, i think i will ultimately regret everything, i will probably not be able to reach orgasm and will feel really bad afterwards. on the other side, i do miss some of the bodily sensations related to sex even though they are not sexual in themselves such as bearded kisses and nude cuddling. i am really trying to stay away from it because ugh i was feeling so well when sex was away and everything was working out and under control and now i'm totally sleepy again and watching series until sunrise (i do think sexual content in that series has a lot to do with my recent problems). i'm going to write my priest about it, but let's face it, there is not much he can do for me. i just hope it will go away before it becomes irresistible. i got an appointment with my psychiatrist on wednesday, so let's also see what he has to say.