I did makeup again today. I’m going to have to practice every day now; but I think I’m going to enjoy it, because I was a lot better pleased with the result this time. I bought a lighter foundation, liquid this time, and applied it with a brush instead of my fingers. I also used a yellow concealer for my whisker shadow. I applied a little blush, but couldn’t see any difference; and I tried mascara again, very light. That’s going to be the hardest part of this, I can tell. Lastly, I applied a different lipstick.

My first thought after finishing this today was that it was obvious I was wearing makeup; and I regarded this as failure – not a disaster, like the first time, but a failure nonetheless. As it turned out, I was too quick to judge. I came back later and took another look in the mirror; and I was surprised to see myself more attractive than I can ever remember being. This time, I wasn’t standing close enough to the mirror to see the makeup as something separate and apart from simply me; and I was quite pleased with the effect. I felt pretty. I know; it sounds like a joke, right? I know I’m not pretty; but I am prettier. I could actually stand looking at my face without disgust.

I can’t wait until I get good at this. I can’t wait for facial feminization surgery. I can’t wait to put both together. The first surgeries I plan to get are facial feminization and voice feminization, and I hope to get them at the same time. Ideally, I will be able to wait to come out to the world until then, and begin to live presenting as a woman full-time. Until then, it is difficult for me to see myself through the eyes of others as more than a man in a dress, a caricature, a figure of fun, a laughingstock, a grotesque. How can I build relationships with others on a foundation like that?

Many transwomen learn to change the pitch of their voices by training. I don’t judge them for doing so, but that would seem forced to me. In addition, I would never be sure I wouldn’t forget, or lapse under stress. No, I want the surgery.

My gender therapist encouraged me to watch a film called “Normal” (2003), starring Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkinson. I bought the DVD when I bought the wig I plan to wear to my next meeting with the therapist, and I watched it this morning. Wilkinson plays a man who has always felt he was born in the wrong body, and whose stress over the matter has begun to affect his health. He tells his wife and pastor that he’s going to transition. This all takes place in a very rural, traditional community. Lange’s portrayal of the wife, who struggles with her husband’s revelation and subsequent transition is powerful; it *is* the film.

The transitioning husband came out to everyone, pretty much right off the bat. Perhaps he felt he had to; I’m glad I don’t. I don’t have anywhere near that kind of courage, or desperation. I do want to come out, but at the moment it isn’t in my best interests to do so. It may happen anyway, though. All it would take is someone I know seeing me looking at women’s clothing in a shop, or trying on ladies’ shoes.

I’ve lost more than 25 pounds since I started dieting, five weeks ago. I’m on my way. It’s time I got serious about skin care, something I’ve never paid any attention to. And I’ve been thinking about getting new glasses; my driver’s license must be renewed this year, and my eyes seem to be getting worse. When I do, if I can afford it, I’m thinking about getting two pair: one androgynous, one definitely feminine. That’s going to be more difficult than the average ladies’ purchase, if the saleswoman is not trans-friendly, because it’s going to require spending more time with her.

Until next time!