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zapposmapps
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Do I have the right to feel like a victim?
   Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:38 pm

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Do I have the right to feel like a victim?

Permanent Linkby zapposmapps on Mon Oct 17, 2016 9:38 pm

When I was about 4 or 5 I had an encounter with one of my mom’s boyfriend’s close friends. His name was Miles but I personally called him Mouse. He was never mean to me and treated me well. Always giving me hugs and playing with me. One night it was just me and him, I guess he was babysitting me. We were on the couch and I laid next to him in my blue and purple Bratz blanket while he played some shooting game. I don’t quite remember how we transitioned into talking but he began asking me questions about sex. If I knew what it was or if I liked it. He knew I felt uncomfortable because I remember him trying to soothe me and tell me it was okay to talk about it with him. Then he asked about whether or not my mom sucked her boyfriend's dick or fingers, which at the time I thought was so odd? Why would adults do either of those? I didn’t know how to answer or what answer he was looking for so I just said fingers, then dick, then fingers again. Keep in mind I am a scared and confused four year old girl. This is when he unzips his pants. I remember looking down and seeing his penis outside of his underwear, but still within his jeans. He was between soft and hard.“Just don’t bite it.” He said. Hearing him I say this I instantly knew what he wanted me to do. I then hid under the blankets, too scared to move or go upstairs. He started trying to tickle and play with me; pulling the blankets off and saying “Boo!” . I don’t think he realized just how terrified I actually was. About 3-4 years later he pays a visit to our new house. I hid upstairs in my room until he left.
We eventually moved from that house to somewhere in Brighton. I was five years old and just starting kindergarten. Like any other little kid in a new neighborhood I set off to make friends with the nearby kids. Just so happens that across the street were three sisters, all about my age. Soon enough I became friends with them and we played with dolls and dressed up; normal, innocent girl stuff. Then I met him, their next door neighbor. His name was Willy. He was a sixth grader, 6 years older than me and wanted me to be his girlfriend. Being young and naive I said yes. It started off fun and pretty much innocent until he started wanting me to do things. He actually had list of “relationship stages” in a journal, step by step eventually leading up to sex. First it was kissing. I remember him getting angry at me when I didn’t want to kiss him and asking me to use tongue when I did. He would take me in his garage and tell me to take my clothes off so he could touch me down there. “Doesn’t that feel good?”. He always wanted me to touch his but I said no because it smelled bad. I started to wear my pink bikini under my clothes because I thought he’d like it; five years old and I wanted to be sexy. One day he took me into his house. His parents were home and seemed to not mind him taking a little girl into his room. I remember us watching Harry Potter until I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up I was told my mom had been looking for me and was worried. I don’t remember there being much commotion or anything; just came home as normal. I wish she had asked more questions. One morning I remember my mom saw that I had a bikini top on under my shirt and that it was untied so that my chest was out. “Is someone messing with you? Is someone touching you?”, I remember my heart beating so fast as if I were scared for Willy to get in trouble. I said no, and it was left at that. I remember the week we went to Florida was like bliss. I was so happy to get away from him; eventually I had to come back home. Soon Willy became more controlling. He would blackmail me to do things using a letter written to my mother (he knew her name) stating that her daughter in fact, had a boyfriend. I was so terrified for him to tell on me that I always did as he said. He didn’t want me playing with my friends and would ask me if I talked to boys at school. When I would cry he would yell at me to stop; if I didn’t he would throw and break things. I was scared of him. The day I “broke up” with him he shattered his parent’s car windshield. I didn’t take it back though. From that day on I never came outside until we moved from that house.
I started visiting my dad again around the age of 7. With getting back in touch with my dad I also met new family members; cousins, aunts, even a brother and sister. I had a cousin that I won’t name who was a young teenage boy. Probably about 15. At the time of this occurrence I had to be around the age of 9. It was summer and we were playing outside my grandmother’s house. I had been riding one of those plastic little kid toy bikes with the big wheels and stuff. He came from behind me and started pushing me real fast, it was fun and I was laughing. The sidewalk he was pushing me down was bumpy and unleveled so my voice shook with the vibrations. “It’s vibrating” I laughed, then that’s when he asks me “Does it feel good?” I didn’t answer, I didn’t know how to. He kept pushing me but now with odd thoughtfulness. He would slow at times , then speed up then slow down again. “Does it feel good?”. At this point I didn’t want to play anymore. No, it did not feel good.
Around the age of 12 I started to go on a site called Omegle. On there were nothing but adult men seeking out girls to fulfill their sexual needs. They would ask me to stick out my tongue or dance for them. They would ask if I was a virgin or if I touched myself. I liked it. I liked feeling desired and needed. So I went on there a lot. One day I met a man who happened to live in Rochester. Crazy enough he was an actual professor at the U of R. In fact, it was work computer in his office that he used to talk to me. He liked younger girls and wanted to talk with me; I said yes. We would talk on Skype; always messaged, rarely video chatted. It didn’t get sexual for a while actually. We would talk about regular things and discuss our opinions on them, he told me I was mature for my age and spoke as if i wasn’t at the tender age of 12. He ###$ around with his students and got a kick out of telling me about it; he liked that they were young and naive but he wanted more. He’d tell me I was pretty and even mistaked me for asian which he thought was “so hot”, so I never corrected him. He liked that I was a virgin and hadn’t even had my period yet, he’d ask me about masturbation, when I got out of school and my mom’s work hours; if I’d ever swallow for him. My response was “I would if I was on birth control” because I was a ######6 baby and thought sperm anywhere near or on your body gets your pregnant. But of course I liked his attention. I liked knowing that I had something he wanted; my innocence. A month or two passed and he disappeared. Around the time he dropped of the face of the earth, he was talking about promotions and going to different states for work opportunities, so I assume he didn’t want to drag his 12 year old girl toy along with him so he left me behind. Surprisingly enough I had no emotional attachment to him so his leaving didn’t affect me much at all. I was relieved.
So now here I am; an emotionally unstable woman with weird daddy fetishes. I feel like there’s a better version of myself that I’ll never know. Someone who trusts their body and mind equally. I’m angry. I don’t know whether to tell my mom. I have two little sisters, one at the age I was with the “Mouse” encounter. I would hate for her to experience something like that, but I know how hurt my mom would be, guilty even. Mostly I just don’t know if it’s worth telling? I know some people have it so much worse, I was never raped or beaten, do I even have a right to be upset or feel like I was- don’t even know what to call it really. Is it molestation if the boy who did it wasn’t an adult? Or if a man attempts sexual persuasion, but never lays a finger on me? What about a college professor who stopped before it went too far? Do I have a right to feel victimized?

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Re: Do I have the right to feel like a victim?

Permanent Linkby Snaga on Wed Oct 19, 2016 4:56 am

If you're looking for replies, rather than the blog, you might think about posting a condensed version in the Sexual Abuse forum, sweets!
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