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Um... a blog about what I deal with daily and how I try to survive. :)
Simontheo
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Joined: Sun Nov 18, 2012 12:23 am
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Love
   Wed Dec 11, 2013 5:05 pm

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Love

Permanent Linkby Simontheo on Wed Dec 11, 2013 5:05 pm

Love is something I don't understand. When someone rejects me I keep fighting for their love, because I want them to love me. But they never do. No one ever loves me. They never see me as a person. I guess that's the problem, isn't it? I can't force someone to want to be with me, that would be cruel and wrong. But I don't see why no one ever wants to take a chance with me. They always give me stupid reasons "You're too skinny" "Too childish" "Too smart" "You have curly hair" "You are too gay" "Not gay enough" "I don't like Olive skin" "Too sophisticated" "You love me too much" "You care too much" "You're a boy" "Your hair is too short". The worse is they all say they liked me until they decided to not see me as a person anymore, too see only the outside. Does it matter if you had fun dating someone and feelings started arising but you decided you wanted to see them as a boy, and since they are a boy you won't date someone of the same sex. Why are people like this?

No matter how hard I try,
I just can't seem to find the light.

-Pepper

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Someone's gone.

Permanent Linkby Simontheo on Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:01 pm

Hi... I was right, my dad died on the 20th. I'm really sad and now I'm the man of the house, I miss him a lot. Funny that I went out and bought a binky and it's helping me sleep. lol. I'm kinda a mess and part of me is missing. I don't know what to do. His only worry and only wish was to help me. But he couldn't and he said "Sorry for not helping you, it hurts to see you destroy yourself, I'm sorry. I love you". I wanna cry all the time. I'm more alone than ever. *sigh*
Thanks for taking some time to read my worries. :)

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Soon

Permanent Linkby Simontheo on Wed Nov 20, 2013 12:39 am

Goodnight or afternoon or morning, I came back after spending 4 hours at the hospital taking care of my father. It was a disaster, obviously. He ate, a lot. Which was good but he vomited. Then had to be hooked up to an ECG and oxigen. He kept removing his oxigen mask, to my despair stating that he didn't want to spend his life saving himself. I just can't bear to see him like this. It hurts and makes me really stressed. Soon we will be out of time, that's the truth no one wants to hear. He accidentally bumped off his ECG reader and all the numbers reached zero. I ran out to the hallway screaming bloody murder. The last time I was that scared was with KK. Will it feel like that when he dies? I dunno what else to write. I'm sorry.

Thank you for taking some time of your busy schedule to read this.

-Pepper (Or as my dad calls... Pip).

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Dilemmas...

Permanent Linkby Simontheo on Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:44 am

Hello, my name is Pepper ^=^. I'm 18 and I never wrote a blog before, haha. Today I woke up to an almost broken wrist because of a nightmare I had... Yesterday my dad entered a critical state, health wise. He was fine the day before but in less then 24 hours he became so weak he couldn't sit up and he became delusional/confused. I feel soon he is going to die, and it will be following the 3 year law. The 3 year law is a law that every 3 years beginning on the year 2003, I lose someone special to me, although in 2011 it was my fault. And I'm still not over that, not even close. I don't think I can withstand to lose my dad. I disappointed him and I still haven't fixed what I did or who I am. I'm so lost. Everyone of our family is coming to me for advice, to talk, for news about him. Because I'm the only one that has not shed a tear, i'm the only that has not fallen apart. Because I have fallen apart so many times, and so long ago, that now I'm dead inside. I started bringing Angel (My stuffed lion) to work now, and will take him everywhere, because he's the only one I can talk to and hug. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2010, in 2011 I was diagnosed as a pedophile (But it took 2 years for an official statement to be made). I've tried suicide, I've cut. I've lost sight of myself. Now I don't do any of that anymore, but my hallucinations are back and I'm scared they will worsen. This morning the bathroom mirror broke with a high piercing scream, but that didn't happen. Kenji and Gigi are starting to get to me. I think it's better if I spend all my time in Puppy Land, the only place I can be happy. My world is so much easier, it's better. I'm not scared of death or of living. I've reached a point where I have no reason to live and no reason to die. I'm stuck, I have no love. I hurt those who I've loved. I'm going to lose my dad. I'm scared I will break and do something terrible, I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And I'm the only one strong enough in my family, who in reality is the weakest.

Thank you for reading this.

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