by Simontheo on Tue Nov 19, 2013 11:44 am
Hello, my name is Pepper ^=^. I'm 18 and I never wrote a blog before, haha. Today I woke up to an almost broken wrist because of a nightmare I had... Yesterday my dad entered a critical state, health wise. He was fine the day before but in less then 24 hours he became so weak he couldn't sit up and he became delusional/confused. I feel soon he is going to die, and it will be following the 3 year law. The 3 year law is a law that every 3 years beginning on the year 2003, I lose someone special to me, although in 2011 it was my fault. And I'm still not over that, not even close. I don't think I can withstand to lose my dad. I disappointed him and I still haven't fixed what I did or who I am. I'm so lost. Everyone of our family is coming to me for advice, to talk, for news about him. Because I'm the only one that has not shed a tear, i'm the only that has not fallen apart. Because I have fallen apart so many times, and so long ago, that now I'm dead inside. I started bringing Angel (My stuffed lion) to work now, and will take him everywhere, because he's the only one I can talk to and hug. I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2010, in 2011 I was diagnosed as a pedophile (But it took 2 years for an official statement to be made). I've tried suicide, I've cut. I've lost sight of myself. Now I don't do any of that anymore, but my hallucinations are back and I'm scared they will worsen. This morning the bathroom mirror broke with a high piercing scream, but that didn't happen. Kenji and Gigi are starting to get to me. I think it's better if I spend all my time in Puppy Land, the only place I can be happy. My world is so much easier, it's better. I'm not scared of death or of living. I've reached a point where I have no reason to live and no reason to die. I'm stuck, I have no love. I hurt those who I've loved. I'm going to lose my dad. I'm scared I will break and do something terrible, I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely. And I'm the only one strong enough in my family, who in reality is the weakest.
Thank you for reading this.
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