I have this memory. I am between 1 and 2 years old. How do I know this? read on. I am scared. I feel alone, but I feel "secure". My head is bothering me. Parts of my hair are sticky, or pulling. It is bothering me. I keep touching it, and someone keeps pulling my hands down. Then I see my ear. My ear is tiny, my hair is light brown, stringy, there is not much and a slight wave. My head is large. Based on this image I know I am a young toddler. Yes, to see my ear, I need to dissociate. This is my earliest dissociation memory.
My mother came to visit this summer. I had this overwhelming anxiety that she was going to kill me when she visited. I had some ideas about how she was going to do it. I was so scared she was going to kill me. Then I "talked" myself out of it and then I started to believe she was going to steal my kids. I told my T and he said that I should not let her visit, that I wasn't ready to see her if I believed she thought my life was so unimportant that she could take it away in an instant. But I let her come, I wanted my kids to see their grandmother. When she was here I was worried the first night she was going to steal my kids so I slept in their room. Mama bear protects.
I also know I fell down a story and a half of stairs when I was somewhere between 1 and 2. Apparently I fell over the railing and landed on my head. I assume this is what sent me to the hospital to have my head examined. I assume this is the trauma associated with the dissociation. I assume the dissociation occurred while I was being examined in the hospital.
Something in my head is telling me these two things are connected. The dissociation and related trauma and the feeling my mom is trying to kill me. I can't bear to acknowledge this but it will not go away.
Last edited by SamsLand on Sun Jan 08, 2012 6:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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i've learned something pretty awful about myself. I am incapable of forgiveness. Absolutely and utterly incapable, which is sad because I'm really good at mistake-making. I can get past something, let it go, do all of those superficial "moving on" things that help life run smoothly. On the surface, I am actually told I let things go too easily and forgive too readily. But I am talking about true forgiveness. Forgiveness where there is a real connection involved.Forgiveness where you can let an attachment injury go and re-attach, or re-connect, or connect again and truly move on and be vulnerable again. This, I cannot do. Attachment injury happens and I cannot connect again. I can interact, I can function, but I an not capable of connection. I cannot be vulnerable. Attachment injuries destroy me. And they destroy my relationships permanently. Consequently I feel there is no longer any point in building intimate relationships in the first place. Either I'll take a lot of $#%^ to avoid an attachment injury or the inevitable will bring it all crumbling down.
"everyone is worthy of connection" she preaches. But you are only worthy of reaping the rewards of what you are able to do. I have limited ability to connect in the first place, and should that connection be injured, it is gone. I am not able therefore I am not worthy. Connection is two-way. Connect. associate. link. To connect you need at least two connectable things. I will remain unconnected.
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Ok, I know it is "pulling up my bootstraps" but I an not quite there yet. Pulling up would mean I have reached them. So I guess reaching for my bootstraps may have been a better title. But I have never been good at titles. They are often misleading.
When I see a med professional I feel like they are saying the same things over and over. I get it, I see their point, but I can't put it into action. "your bootstraps are down there, you just have to grab them" "its ok to for them to be untied, just tie them again, you know how" "they are white, can't you see them" "they are strong, they will tie again, even though they are frayed, just grab them and tie them" "ok, you've got them, now pull". For me it's like tying my bloody hockey skates when it is 40 below. My hands are numb and it hurts like hell. I guess this is the point where i equate hot chocolate to meds.....
I think they are the ones pulling at my bootstraps. Trying to give me a hand. But I know you have to tie your own boots for them to be tied right. Maybe I am not strong enough to grab them, tie them and make them hold. Or maybe I just need to hang out in bare feet for a while longer.
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A few weeks back I couldn't make it to therapy because of a transportation issue (tube was down). Completely out of my control. and I pretty much broke down. This event triggered for me my need to "not need". Not need anything. So I have canceled the last two therapy sessions since. Under the guise that I need a break. But really most days I feel I am quitting. Over the past 2 years or so I have been on and off in therapy, I have "quit" a number of times. It brings me a sense of control, when you quit you are in control of participating. Obviously, I have always returned.
But now I am pushing away therapy with all kinds of logic. We can convince ourselves of legitimate reasons for everything we do. I'm taking a break, I'm too busy, I'm this and that. Some of the l reasons are that I am tired of dealing with my issues. I wish in part I had never started therapy - ignorance is bliss they say. I am quitting because I can no longer deal with myself even with the help of my therapist. I have grown too attached to him, and I trust him. This makes me vulnerable and I cannot be like this. Look at the mess I was in when I couldn't see him, for one bloody session. It is unhealthy for me to have this attachment to him. I need to break it. I want to not trust him.
I want him out of my life because he represents something I cannot have in my real life. Someone who accepts me for who I am, listens to me, and seems at least partly interested in my journey. I don't know what to do with him. I feel good when I connect with him, but our connection is not real. He helps me, I cannot help him. He listens to me, I cannot listen to him. I know that is what his job is and what the therapeutic relationship should be. But it leaves me feeling, atm, angry, disconnected and hopeless.
For now I am quitting. Hopefully it is just a break.
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