Yesterday was a better day than the day prior, comparatively speaking. The level of anxiety was less than the day before yet still there, but not at the levels of the days/weeks prior. I don’t know the reasons for it, but am thankful; maybe it was visiting my father, maybe it was because I didn’t lie (sort of…I will explain later), or maybe it’s just time passed…I don’t know, but I do know that as I sit here typing, I feel a bit of anxiety that I don’t recall yesterday…I hope it goes away. I visited my Father again this morning, hoping it was my visit that caused my lessened anxiety yesterday, and thanked him if indeed it was. It was nice to sit there and talk to him, not imagining a response, but just talking, apologizing, sometimes not saying anything, and thanking him.
Although the day wasn’t filled with the anxiety that has been present the days/weeks prior, one constant is the sadness, regret, frustration, and shame I feel. Sadness of love, friendships, and trust lost, but mostly love lost; regret that I never knew it was this easy to tell the truth if I really put my honest efforts to it, and love lost; frustration over those I love not knowing the genuine effort being put forth (again…I wouldn’t believe me either), and love lost; and the extreme shame I feel when alone with my thoughts, the shame that comes with reflecting on the lies, the hurt the addiction to lies have caused, the distrust arising from my lies, the insecurity, inferiority, and stubbornness that have (in some way) caused me to be this way for so long, and love lost. The day is mostly filled with thoughts of hearing her say “did it ever occur to you that I love you for you, not your looks, money, career…just you?” (I don’t know if that was the exact quote, but its close). The answer at the time…I don’t remember what my answer was, but remembered thinking “nobody’s ever said that to me…” How could she say that? Whatever I said, I didn’t believe it, at the time, it was beyond my realm of comprehension; although, I vividly remember feeling guilty immediately thereafter. Guilt for the things and lies that I was perpetrating as this wonderful woman was professing her love. All or some of the feelings could be jealousy, I just don’t know, I just know I miss Her, I miss my friend, I regret what I’ve done to her, how I’ve made her feel, and so much more. Sadness, regret, frustration, shame…I think those feelings and others are one in the same…I don’t know, I just don’t know and hope I’m able to decipher and address them one day.
I have a initial session with the new therapist I mentioned yesterday…Friday at 7pm in Pasadena; I spoke to him briefly yesterday and got a good sense from him; I hope it goes well. I haven’t started reading the two books I ordered/received (“Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends On It” by Kamal Ravikant, and “Self-Compassion” by Kristin Neff), but will try to begin reading today. I don’t know what to expect from either of the books, but if reading them in any way helps me with my feelings of self-loathing, inadequacy, inferiority, and shamefulness…I’m willing to do/try anything. I hope something good, anything good, no matter how small, comes from reading them.
Prior to heading to the gym, I dropped off my mom at my brother’s house; he was cooking dinner for the family and asked if I could drop her off and if my Son and I wanted to come after going to the gym. I agreed and dropped off mom; when we got to his house, I asked my Son to go ahead and go inside to say “hi” to his uncle, aunt, and cousin…that I’d be inside in a minute, I just had to call work. The truth is, I didn’t have to call work, I wanted to smoke a cigar; I smoke them allot, more so lately, but I’ve always hidden it from him and My Friend (Her…love lost). Instinctively, after recognizing what I had done, I called work while smoking the cigar; it’s not a lie if I actually do call work…right? The justification of times past had reared its head again. Once again…the feelings ...

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It's been a tough day since I last wrote yesterday afternoon. I’m trying so hard… I didn't quite know when to come back and write about what's been happening or how I've been feeling, so I figured I'd just do it when time permitted and/or there was something to say.
It's been tough...really tough. I wish I could genuinely smile in happiness, laugh in earnest at something...anything; I can't. I am proud of myself for maintaining my honesty with those I come in contact, but those feelings vale in comparison to the thoughts of regret, and sorrow, which inevitably lead to extreme anxiety. It seems every second of the day my head is filled with so many different thoughts of times past and present...regret, shame, and sorrow. Feelings of despair are sometimes intertwined with feelings of clarity (I love those times, I'm able to see everything from a distance, know I'm on the right path, and I'm not feeling anxious or filled with despair); it's weird, and I wish I could explain, but some of you reading this (I anticipate) know these feelings too well.
I've taken the week off from work, I don't know why, and if I wrote why I did it'd be a lie...I just did. I find being alone with my thoughts is horrible (makes me regret taking the time off and going back to work), and as horrible as it may be, I've found that I'm taking care of things that my lying/lies would keep me from doing (procrastination). My Son is on spring break from school, so being around him, just talking to him is quite nice, and lessens the feelings of despair I seem to be struggling with. He doesn't know what's going on with pop, but I suspect he knows there's something there since I've been quite reserved, mellow, and talkative (more so than usual) with him quiet as of late; he’s 15 years old, so I suspect he knows something’s not right.
I don’t have anyone to talk to about what I’m going through…those that know and love me would likely think I was lying, and I can’t fault them for that; I would too. I have three brothers and a sister, all of whom I have wonderful relationships with; we are a very tight-knit family. I have always been the reclusive, “anti-social”, quiet, reserved brother. It wasn’t always that way, but as I got older, I thought it best to stay away…it was the shame and embarrassment I perceived from them, from my entire family, that kept me from get-togethers, and family outings. After a while, they just stopped asking, and I would look for ways to wallow in self-pity, blame them, and justify their lack of love (shamefulness and embarrassment of me)…it was/is nonsense, but I believed it, perceived it to be true; it was my truth, my lie that I made to be true to justify my actions. It was/is a way for me to justify my actions, feel sorry for myself and keep up the ruse of being happy without them…a lie, to myself and them. I tried and thought it would stop 9 months ago…I thought bringing someone around that I love would force me to tell the truth to myself, my family, and her; that it would win over (and force) my thoughts and feelings of insecurity enough to finally be truthful…I was wrong, I failed, I lied, and am here now; at my wits end and in the depths of despair. I’m trying so hard…
I’ve reached out to one brother, who has given me the incredible strength of encouragement through his words two weeks ago, but he has a family and I don’t want to pester him with my day-to-day trials. I call him more than I ever have, just to say hello…I call all my siblings more than I ever have, hoping to find the strength to say something…I hate going through this alone, I wish there was someone to talk too. I cannot talk daily to my best friend about this because I’ve hurt that person more than anyone with the lies, the insecurity, the lies, the feeling of not being worthy of someone’s love, the lies…the lies. Although she’s stood by and agreed to continue being a friend, it’s not the same, it’s a cordialness that comes with rightful and justified anger for what I...

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I never thought I'd start or even knew how to begin to start a blog. I will beat this and I will write about it all here.