So i'm going to try and blog tonight. I have sat to do it so many times lately but i just don't seem able to settle to do it and not entirely sure what to write.
I've been thinking about what it is that makes me want to blog and it's because i like expressing what it is that is going on inside for me but also im an external processor so knowing other people read it sometimes kind of adds abit of a reassurance if that makes sense.
Things are continuing to go really well. I had a few wobbly days last week where i just felt low and a bit meh but unable to put my finger on why. I began to panic that that meant i wasn't coping with work and that i was going backwards. I took some time on Thursday to process what was happening for me and to work through it it became evident to me that i had 2choices.
1. I could live my life in fear of what was, so live fearing going back live fearing self harming again
2. Accept that i was having a few wobbly days (which is normal for everyone) and allow myself to feel but choose not to allow it to hold me back.
I gave myself a little talking to and decided that i don't want to live my life in fear of what was. I know i am a road to recovery it is a process and i am not a finished product but i am working on myself and am doing so so so so much better than this time last year that i wanted to die. Being back at work is amazing. My head is a little fried by the end of it i have so much to learn and take it and understanding how things work confuses me slightly still. I am feeling settled and think i am going to really enjoy being there. My collegues are all very lovely and friendly and prepared to help out and answer the million questions i ask. Things i worried about forgetting or not being able to do have come flooding back and the confidence and belief in myself is still there. My line manager is very supportive and although knows i have been off for a period of time doesn't know details. She hasn't pryed and hasn't judged me which is so lovely. This week i'm doing 3days in a row which isn't that big a deal really but i'm slightly worried at how i am going to manage getting up early 3days in a row and having so much to take in. I know i'll be fine but its just stuff going through my head right now.
Although things are still really good i have started to have panic attacks again they aren't too bad and for now i am managing them however i feel frustrated that they are coming back. I have also become more paranoid particularly about other people staring at me. Partly because i have had several people in the last 2weeks ask about sh scars. Not in a nosey way but this has made me feel very self conscious and anxious about them. Now i am convinced people are talking about me which i know they aren't however trying to keep these thoughts under control is tricky.
To finish off todays blog, i have had the most amazing few days. I saw 2 of my bestest friends on monday we hung out and we celebrated one of their birthdays. Which was a complete suprise that we had planned. I laughed lots and lots and had an amazing day.
Hope everyone is well and keep putting one foot in front of the other things do get better i promise!