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Red.Raptor
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Posts: 225
Joined: Thu Jul 07, 2011 6:28 am
Blog: View Blog (37)
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- August 2015
First EMDR Session
   Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:02 pm
Feeling alone.
   Sat Aug 22, 2015 9:58 pm
There was this one time...
   Fri Aug 21, 2015 10:44 am
Just figured out what my flashbacks are like.
   Thu Aug 20, 2015 11:13 pm
First therapy session!
   Thu Aug 20, 2015 12:44 pm
Dreams, nightmares.
   Tue Aug 18, 2015 1:59 pm
I can do this.
   Mon Aug 17, 2015 12:03 pm
I have had the shittiest luck with real people.
   Fri Aug 14, 2015 12:08 pm
Trust.
   Fri Aug 14, 2015 1:30 am
Men. Maybe not all men. Hopefully.
   Thu Aug 13, 2015 1:14 pm

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First EMDR Session

Permanent Linkby Red.Raptor on Wed Aug 26, 2015 12:02 pm

Tottaly wierd! i don't know if i want to go back.

She's a female therapist, right?

So she used her soft comforting voice half the time and that was so distracting, I don't want to be comforted its very awkward!

And the whole safe place visualization felt like theraputic mumbo jumbo to me. I felt calm and all that but its just something I wasn't used to.

And she wanted me to meditate? Who does that?? NO ONE.

OH and she wanted me to keep repeating myself but I couldn't speak the words it was just too wierd. I kept thinking, does she want me to act it out with voice inflections and all that? Because i'm not an actor. And I really don't want to be put in a position where I have to act out my flashbacks and nightmares.

I can talk about it but I don't want to have to be like a person in one of shakespeare's plays :roll:

Maybe this isn't such a good fit?

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Feeling alone.

Permanent Linkby Red.Raptor on Sat Aug 22, 2015 9:58 pm

I was having a minor freak out and told my friend i had to go. He asked if I was okay and i said "maybe" which he knows means I won't admit to it >.< so he asked me what was wrong and I told him that i was having a freak out and would probably just go cry in the corner.

Usually I wouldn't say that kind of thing but he wanted the truth so I gave him the truth.

What was the point though? He didn't care after that, he just went to sleep without even saying goodbye. So... I don't know. Why would he ask if he doesn't care?

So now i'm just sitting here having flashbacks and feeling like crying but I can't cry because I never cry.... its hard. I just try to bottle it all up until I feel like cutting.

And I've been looking at my scars and they're triggering me even more. But I don't have anything to cut with so i'm pretty safe from myself at the moment.

Why won't he care?

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There was this one time...

Permanent Linkby Red.Raptor on Fri Aug 21, 2015 10:44 am

I was in the psych ward and I think i tried to escape, literally running so hard into the thick security locked doors that they would part for me (i'm not a small girl :P) I made it all the way to the lobby before they caught me.

And then they dragged me back to the adult unit and threw me in a solitary room where i proceeded to try to ram my way through that door for 45minutes. I even got told by the tech that i would make a hell of a linebacker for football if i decided to. That just made me go harder. Renewed my sense of purpose in breaking down that damn door.

They kept asking periodically if i would take something to help me calm down and I'm very against being drugged so I just kept telling them "no" maybe a "f**k no" ocasionally :P

But i wasn't calming down and I wanted out. So eventually they came in with a needle full of haldol and ativan to calm me down.

As soon as they opened the door I rushed them, trying to break past them. No go, there's like 6 of them and everyone's grabbing me and i'm struggling, one guy get's behind me and grabs my arms and puts them behind my back so far i thought they would break! He dragged me back onto the bed in the solitary room and I still wasn't having it, still fighting them. I'm not sure how but we wound up in a stalemate, me just sitting there while he was hurting me.

And I let him, because I'm a self harmer, and I wanted to be hurt. So I never told him he was hurting me, and my arms wen't numb eventually after about 10-15minutes in that position.

I think they got sick of it taking so long so they switched their technique and he let go of me so i would lie flat.

Then they got their way. I was injected, powerless, and soon to be under control again.

I remember laying there and crying, and a tech came up and started stroking my hair and asking if i was okay. But I never told them about the rape, so how could they have known not to hold me down like that?? As if it would have helped, they still would have had to.

After that all happened they put me on a high dose of ativan three times daily. I was drugged out of my mind for about a month (2 weeks in hospital, 2 at home). I don't remember much, and my mom tells me I looked like walking death. So she got me off of it.

I will never take a sedative willingly anymore. I don't care how out of control I am.

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Just figured out what my flashbacks are like.

Permanent Linkby Red.Raptor on Thu Aug 20, 2015 11:13 pm

I can safely tell you it feels like drowning and then coming back up for air. You fight to catch your breath, remember where you are, and are dizzy.

Thats what it feels like to me. And the only thing i can think to repeat is "No."

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First therapy session!

Permanent Linkby Red.Raptor on Thu Aug 20, 2015 12:44 pm

I had my first session with my therapist, i'm going to go back after i get back on meds.

It went well. I cried once. Never lied. Admitted I was suicidal and she completely understood without throwing me back in the psych ward. I even copped to having homicidal thoughts (before, not currently) and she never blinked or judged me.

She wants me to find my "safe place" which i'm having trouble with, mostly because i've never really understood/wanted/needed/knew about being safe or that i should want it.

But she says we'll need a safe place to ground me if i start EMDR with her. So i'm writing down what i can remember and TRYING to keep them untainted from my own mind.

She wants me to live in the present, not think about how i've f**ked up or will f**k up. This will take time, its something i've never considered before and i'm not sure how to start.

She gave me some papers to look over and seriously consider. Its pretty basic stuff:

Self care, wants vs. needs, an inspirational quote or two. So i'm going over them and writing things i think are relevant and i'll bring them back next week to show her because i'm not sure i'm on the right track.

She wants me to apply for disability, so i might give it one more shot once i get back on meds and get all the paperwork together. Its the dates that i can't remember, and they want to know EXACTLY when it was you consider yourself unable to work and when you were hospitalized and i think my mom has that written down somewhere because we've tried to apply before to no avail.

One wierd thing. We're both "gamers" so she tried to get me to think of life as a game, how to progress to the next level, etc. Which i let her because i thought it was an okay idea but i'm just... not sure its the same? i mean.... in a game i can respawn and try again.

And i think she's into the whole spirituality thing which i don't mind at all, but i don't buy into it either. So i'm willing to work with her as long as she doesn't ALWAYS bring it back to God.

I like her, and after one session i've learned to trust her more than anyone i know. Which isn't saying much because I TRUST NO ONE but its a start, right? Gotta start somewhere.

One more thing. She asked for a hug. Which i told her i was uncomfortable with and she said "i didn't think you would be (comfortable with it)" but we hugged anyway and it was... wierd? Maybe it was a test to see if i could handle being touched by a stranger. I think i passed but only because i felt she was non-threatening and a female.

I dunno. We'll see.

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