I've been reading books about self harm and BPD, books written from a personal perspective. Some of the stories were interesting, yes, but not necessarily more interesting than mine. And most of them were very badly written. I'm not an expert by any means, have never tried to write a book. However, I can write short stories well when I put my mind to it. I've been complimented on them, not just by people I know, but by people I don't know, even published writers. I don't write often, because I need to be really interested in what I'm writing and to feel motivated. The idea of writing a book interests me, and seeing some of the things that have been published, I think I could do as good a job or even better than some published authors.

However, I'm not sure that this is worth staying alive for. I'm not sure I even can stay alive for it, even if I wanted to.

I think to myself, maybe if I attempt suicide, and it doesn't work, I can write a book then. Realistically though, if I attempt suicide again, it is likely to work.

If I decide to write a book, that means I'll have to deal with "recovery" on some level, and I'm not sure I can do that. "Recovery" is terrifying. It means facing so many things I don't have to when I'm "sick".

I am torn. The only way to describe it is that I equally want to live and die. I have to make a decision, and it has to be soon.