There are way too many animalistic tendencies going on right now. A ######6 shooting is happening every week now, and I am losing control of myself sexually.
I am on a jerk-it-3x-a-day-minimum regimen, sometimes sneaking into Albertsons Park to jerk off naked in the stalls at midnight so I can be closer to nature and other animals.
I am ######6 losing my mind, and school started today. Its been over a year since I last had sex with Kelsey, and I am too ######6 afraid to go near another girl for fear of getting my heart broken again. I'm not going through that again. But I need something to help me get rid of my instincts and feelings.
I just got really good with knives. I am trying not to kill something, but I am coming close. There are a lot of stray cats in the neighborhood. I'm hoping I'll decapitate just ######6 one and be done with it. Maybe sedate the sexual appetite for a while? Maybe?
I cannot risk letting myself become a "True Animal". I cannot let myself kill or rape. But its becoming harder and harder. I see these idiots at school with wife beaters covered in food who only talk about what was on Mtv and think
"Maybe the world would be better off without them".
I have said before I have plans to commit school shootings at every school I have attended, so I can be ahead of the curve if someone else actually commits the crime. The access code to the faculty lounge on the 2nd floor seems to have changed, but one teacher typed in "1141", got in easy. The first floor maintenance room is soundproof and right next to the elevator, so no one could hear someone else scream. The roof would be great to push someone off, but its not as satisfying. Plus, there's always a chance I could fall off as well.
Then there's the waves of depression and suicide. Who knew sex brought so much ######6 pain? I can live without it, but at the same time I demand it now. I need it, and I have no idea why. I didn't particularly enjoy the sex with Kelsey, but I did like how it felt. If I could find some kind of Fleshlight-type deal for cheap or some whore who understood my dilemma, maybe I could get rid of the instincts and feelings. But, for right now, writing about it is all I've got. Its the only thing that helps cure it, albeit only temporarily.
I don't want to talk about it, but I ######6 do. I have no one to talk to about my instincts, but no one understands, so it cancels out. I look online for "Animalistic", and everything I find is ######6 lame. Nothing helps me but porn and so-called "Snuff" films. Death and sex. God, I am in love with that combo.
I don't want to get laid through Craigslist ads, I actually want to know the girl I'm ######6. But at the same time, Kelsey completely changed in a second, and everything I knew about her was gone. So maybe I don't want to know what the ######6 @@@@@@@ likes. But I do. But I might not want to. But I really want to know her before we go all the way, or else she might abandon me like Kelsey did. I cannot live through something like the last year again. If I ask a girl out and she does the same $#%^ Kelsey did, I will ######6 kill myself by jumping off the roof at CWI.
-C.Nic, TK