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NicS
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Clean, Christian humor is an impossibility.

Permanent Linkby NicS on Tue Sep 06, 2011 7:04 pm

There's this ENORMOUS broad in my Political science class who has complained to our professor that my jokes are unclean. She wants more "Christian" in my humor, or for me to just shut up. This isn't the first time I've caught hell in school for cracking wise, in fact its become routine for everyone who knows me. In my final year of high school, I was put under "Administrative Watch" because on time, when I was on the announcements I said (AFTER this other guy said some news about Red Ribbon Week) "Wow, that news was so good I feel like I should shoot up some heroin." I was called into the principals office, expecting a spanking. And instead... "Look, we like when you do the announcements. But that was inappropriate. Don't do the heroin comment or anything like that again, and you'll be fine", so I did. She (The principal) was very reasonable, and I did agree with every single term. It just made sense.

In some scenarios, clean humor is the best. Your not going to tell a dick joke to a bunch of 7 year old kids going through chemotherapy for brain tumors. Your going to tell knock knock jokes until their head explodes! (Bad example...)

But there's no such thing as good, clean CHRISTIAN humor, there isn't. The second the words "God" and "Joke" (or "Jokes") come into play, you can immediately find out who the crazy people are in the room, and they are all crazy. I'm serious.

I believe in God. I believe you can't explain anything without some sort of God-like force behind it, especially things with these intricate, chain-linked events. If your curious as to what I mean, look up "The Law of Unforeseen Consequences." As a great "###$ you Christians" example, in the 1990s, 2 scientists, John J. Donohue and Steven Levitt, published a story saying that because of legalized Abortion after Roe v. Wade, crime dropped. Why? Because the criminals that were supposed to commit the crimes weren't born! I know that doesn't really prove my point, I just wanted to teach you something interesting, just in case you think I'm not funny.

But back to the original point, good, clean humor is possible. I saw a DVD once of this middle eastern guy doing stand up, didn't curse once, didn't do sex, not very violent (Like he said "I'd slap that elmo doll if it didn't stop giggling", that sort of thing), nothing bad! And it was hilarious! I don't remember his name, but if I do, I'll let you know, cause he's awesome. And not a single curse word, not one! It IS possible to do it, but it has to be done in a specific way that takes years to fully understand, and those who master it don't get rich or famous, but they do get pretty nice gigs. Think Louis C.K. with soap, minus the awesome RED ONES or TV show on FX. Or, better yet, just think Bill Cosby, the rare exception to good, clean humor with very little obscene material. (He has one joke out there, out of the hours of material he's made, and I don't know what it is, but its out there.)

Clean humor is possible, CHRISTIAN humor? Thats downright impossible. The jokes that are available are the kind that are so deafeningly stupid you have to think about what you just read before your allowed to breathe again. I looked some up, and I was going to copy and paste them, but they're too long! Not like, y'know, my blog posts long, but more like "15 paragraphs to make a point" long. And they're not even funny! None of them are. Maybe to little kids or senile old tea partiers, but not to people like us! If you find it funny, that's good, and I don't mean to sway what you should or shouldn't like, but ###$ these jokes are so stupid! If these jokes were a candy bar, they'd be Hersey's! AND THAT'S CHRISTIAN HUMOR: IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!

Now, there are ways to make Christian humor funny, but the problem is that to do so, you have to offend someone. That's the rule of thumb: everything said offends someone. Its usually 1 out of 100, but there's still one person. And that person was a 300 pound white christian sitting 2 rows and 5 seats behind me, to the left. She has long black hair, black clothing, and a silver cross around her neck. However, because she's so massive, the cross is (for some reason) the size of a small plank of wood. Think I'm over-exaggerating? Make a thumbs down sign with your right hand, just stick out your hand and point it at the ground. From the tip of your thumb to the top of your hand, that's the size of the cross. And the size apparently varies from person to person; to me, it looks like a small frying pan, to her, its just 20 pounds of jewelry smelted onto her chest.

She complained to the teacher that I was obscene. We had a debate about immigration, and I was asked my opinion. I said let them in, cause I didn't want to do lawn work anymore. The room went awkwardly silent, like someone told a fart joke at the correspondents dinner. The teacher was just like "Damn, that was cold" and everyone chuckled a bit. Not a lot, just a bit. Hell, I even got the 2 hipsters to laugh! But ol' Christ-y wasn't happy with me! So the next time I was in class, I was pulled into the hall. "Look, Nic," the professor said, "That Mexican-Lawn joke thing, it was ######6 hilarious, alright? But I got a complaint. Just tone it down, OK?" Like with the principal before, I agreed. It was a bad joke.

The bitch came up to us after class and said "It was me who complained. I don't like that kind of humor. Y'know, why can't you just do Christian jokes?" Christian jokes? I asked her to tell me one. "I don't know any! It seems like that would be your job!" I apologized, said it wouldn't happen again, and went down the stairs behind me to go to the bus stop.

Since then (Last Wednesday), C. Nic and I have been trying to think of a clean, Christian joke. We got sidetracked because Kedsie died, but now were (Again) back on track, trying to figure out the perfect Christian joke. Now, she didn't say "Clean humor", cause we can do that just fine. But she said "Christian". Christian means God lover. Its the first thing that comes to our minds when we hear it. Christian=Proud God lover. We love God, we don't care who knows it.

Heres the thing: If you haven't gotten my message yet, I'm saying Christian humor is impossible. Here's why: The jokes that aren't offensive aren't funny. They're puns, basically. "Why did the Zebra eat a firefly? He wanted a light snack." (Actual joke from TPE, a super conservative christian magazine they hand out at church.) And all the jokes that are funny are offensive to someone. And that's the point of clean humor, to not be offensive. And all the Christian jokes in the world are derogatory in some way. I can't think of any now, but you have heard at least one in your life. It could have just been a headline about an Abortionist killing a man in church (Thats real, FYI), or a joke about some religious nut coming up to someone (And they WILL come up to you. They are big believers in "Saying it to your face") and making fun of them for doing something like this broad did to me!

I'm not trying to mock her, though. I'm mocking her stupid economy sized cross, sure. But I'm not mocking her as a person. Sure, she could lose a few pounds or be less prude, but we both know thats not going to happen. Christians never buckle under pressure, we have to. So I will. My next joke on her? Whoppee cushion. Good, clean humor.

(Written out of bordem by Nic. Sorry mods who must read.)

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