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NicS
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Back to Pathetic Attempts at Humor!/Scooby-Impreza Hypothesis

Permanent Linkby NicS on Tue Sep 06, 2011 4:56 am

I'm feeling a lot better, thanks to Hulu and painting. I'll get to that later.

I've learned that comedies in threes cheer up anyone, something I've done with many classmates who (in the past) have come to talk to me about $#%^ that was going on. People think I'm honest and tend to trust me. Why, I don't know, cause I keep all this stuff they tell me as future leverage if they ###$ with me, but generally I'm happy to listen because I do care. Maybe that's it: They know I care. Heh. Go figure.
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My brother has been enlisted into the army for about a year now, hes signed a 6 year contract. He's stationed in Katterbach, Germany. I honestly have no idea why were in Germany, but that's not the point. He just bought a car over there, cause odds are good he'll be there for 2 years, max, although there's a chance he may be sent to Afghanistan. In that case, he gets to come home for Thanksgiving time, for about a week.

Heres my problem: In the pic he uploaded to Facebook... he looks like a dick. Massive Douchebag. Theres the stupid tilted hat... why do people insist on tilting their hat, look, anyway, it was "About to fall off" tilted. If that hat was a windmill, it would have crushed Bruce Campbell in "Army of Darkness". So, off the bat, he's killed Bruce Campbell with a hat.

Then the shirt. Blue, with a yellow lightning bolt across the stomach. Thats fine. But its 3x too big. He's basically wearing a parachute; if he stands behind the tailpipe he's going to get blown away farther than Lindsey Lohan with a blow up doll and a penis pump.

THEN, jeans. Jeans are OK.

The shoes. Lime green laces against black shoes, while leaning on a silver car with more stickers and chipped paint than the Berlin wall, all with this "Jersey Shore" look going on. He's got this tight smile, where its just him smiling broadly, no teeth or anything, like this was a setup and he hates the photographer. So, essentially, little solider boy cannot dress himself wherever he is. "Grown up" my ass.

THEEEEEN, there's the shame. This is my explanation above. He hates this, and can't dress himself properly. The reality was this was all his fault. This bastard did this on his own, and some guy named "Dingus" (Real last name) is taking the blurriest photo since that Bigfoot in the woods pic. This is not my brother! My brother was so subconscious of his moobs he wore sweatshirts in the summer and just said he was "Cold-Blooded, so I need more sunlight". Now, that's not "I'm a coldblooded killer", that's "Lizards need sunlight because they're cold-blooded." The problem with my brothers interpretation is Lizards sit on a rock all day, and while he was saying this, he was sitting in an Air Conditioned school surrounded by other little d-bags who... well, I don't want to jinx it.

My brother is obsessed with Halo and Gears of War! He has begun liking cars about a year ago! He has always loved flying, and the second he had a chance to be in a plane, he took it, whatever the cost. Before he left for Boot Camp a year ago, there was an opportunity to co-pilot one of those Buddy ###$ planes for an hour, and he took it immediately.

And now... he's standing like a d-bag in front of a car called a Scooby! Yes, its really called an "Impreza", but the slang is Scooby. I don't ######6 know why, its actually rather embarrassing when you think about it, though. Urban Dictionary says its because "Young Men think 'Subaru' sounds like 'Scooby'". Which it really doesn't. When I was 9, my dad ordered Sprite for my brother and I from McDonalds, and they gave us Root Beer. When we asked the guy at the drive up window "Why did you give us root beer, we said Sprite!" "Oh, you did? We thought you said Root Beer". Like they rhyme or something... anyways, thats the story: My brother is standing in front of a car called a "Scooby" (Because Impreza wasn't cool enough), dressed like Snooki's 50th boyfriend in ######6 for no ######6 reason! And the worst part? The picture isn't blurry enough! I could have saved you, the reader, from having to read all this if the picture was blurry enough! Bigger objects are always easy to see, like with that blurry Sasquatch video. We all knew what it was: Bigfoot! Didn't matter if it was blurry, our imaginations filled in the blanks!

If it was blurry enough, I could have just said "Oh, hey look! Thats supposed to be my brother, that giant blue blob! Geez, has he GAINED weight? Oh well, at least I can see his shoelaces. So colorful... And whats he leaning on? Is that that new car he was telling mom about? Looks cool! *Check the comments*.."

"...what the ###$ is a scooby?"

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