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HOCD or Denial? Please Respond. by PHM on Wed Jul 31, 2013 8:39 pm
Hi there I'm a 22 year old male. I recently came across the term HOCD which I wasn't aware of up until a few weeks ago. I have had sexually intrusive thoughts ever since I was 14 as well as asking myself the question if I'm gay. It all began when I was about 14-15 where one day all of a sudden I started to ask myself if I was gay. I don't know exactly what might have caused it. I wasn't a very confident guy as a kid and was a bit shy as well. Nor have I had any girlfriends up until then but I knew that I always wanted to be with them. I dreamed about them, being with them and having sex. I was always devastated when I heard that the girl I liked was with someone else, it was quite pathetic but I knew that what I felt was real. I had never ever felt anything about guys in any way nor did I want to have sex with them. When this question came up I started to go crazy. Instead of just ignoring it as something stupid it kept coming back. It reached a point where I couldn't look another guy in the eyes and that wherever I went I avoided eye contact. I even stared to blush if they were looking at me, which drove me crazy. Why would I ever do that?

This had been going on for about a year. I always kept trying to reassure myself that they're just stupid thoughts and that I'm not gay but they would only come back stronger. I was so ashamed of the whole thing and I started to wonder if I'm really gay and I'm in denial, but I never really allowed myself to ask that question frequently because I was scared that it would be true. I didn't want to tell anyone about it because I couldn't believe that this was happening to me, that I had a problem like this and if was affecting my life. I finally told my mom after a year where I just couldn't deal with it any longer. She told me that it was fine and that it's normal to have such thoughts at those ages. The problem is that I did not go to a OCD specialist because I didn't know what the problem was. I instead went to a psychiatrist who did not help me at all in the end. The problem remained although my mom thought that I had been treated. I was too scared of telling her that the thoughts were still there because I feared that she would say thats there's something wrong with me and that I'm actually gay. I was completely scared. I want to clarify that I have nothing against gay people or their way of life, its none of my business. Ever since my visit to the psychiatrist I have been struggling with these thoughts ever since. I just didn't know what to do. I thought they would go away. But they didn't every day my life was just about those damn thoughts. In the end I wondered if I had finally accepted it secretly but I was still in denial. Why would I not seek help again when they were clearly not my own thoughts? This scared me and I didn't know what to do.

I was too afraid of telling my mom again about the thoughts so I suffered all these years. I don't know if this is a sign that I'm in denial or not. I don't want to be gay. I always wanted a straight life, that is what all my years up until 15 years old were. And these intrusive thoughts just kept coming back against my will. Thoughts that I would have never had normally. Trying to get rid of them did nothing but only to give them more power. As I type this I'm feeling completely apathetic, I don't even know why I bother. I say this because I get groinal responses just by looking at stuff which I consider against my sexual orientation. When it happened the first time I freaked out and couldn't believe that I have felt something down there by looking at a half naked man. I was really scared and I wanted to cry. I can't remeber anymore for how long I've had them but I always tried to figure out why it happened, why was this happening to me? I wasn't gay so why would I get aroused? These days I get the response just by looking at stuff that might be considered gay or a guy and it's killing me. Why is this happening to me? has this being going on...

[ Continued ]

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A blog? Lol, okay, sure, why not? by Tyler on Sat Jul 22, 2017 12:35 pm
I saw Snaga was getting attention through his blog, and I got jealous and decided to make my own. What could possibly go wrong?

Um... Okay, uh... Hmm...

My boyfriend and I are trying to find a game...

[ Continued ]

2 Comments Viewed 127 times
Benefits of Dialectal Behavior Thearpy by Newagewomen2017 on Sat Jul 22, 2017 10:07 am
Hi again...One of these days, I will do a blog to inderoduce myself and what brings me to this forum. But this morning, I am going to talking about the Benefits of Dialectical Behavior Thearpy (DBT) for...

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0 Comments Viewed 12 times
Grief: explained simply by Newagewomen2017 on Fri Jul 21, 2017 9:38 pm
Some of you might be wondering why I am choosing to talk about grief. Well, the answer is quite simple...Grief is almost affected most of the people around the world. Grief has come to me in many forms...

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0 Comments Viewed 97 times
DTD by OMNICELL on Thu Jul 20, 2017 9:28 pm
Im looking to merge with self! the idea is to merge with the time period I got destroyed; and its possible because Ive done massive work! ITs about remembering who I was at that age, what I was thinking...

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0 Comments Viewed 136 times
Things are changing! by OMNICELL on Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:26 pm
Things are getting better or I have specific goals that look like me as a healthier personality! I have goals that require that I have better mental health! This does not mean I don't have the disorders...

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0 Comments Viewed 137 times
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Re: A blog? Lol, okay, sure, why not? by Tyler on Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:28 pm
[quote="Otter"][quote] Gandhi declared war on us last time we played, and threatened us with Nuclear War[/quote]

Hilarious. No "pew pew" games?[/quote]

No pew pew games. Jacob isn't...

[ Continued ]

Re: A blog? Lol, okay, sure, why not? by Otter on Sat Jul 22, 2017 2:23 pm
Gandhi declared war on us last time we played, and threatened us with Nuclear War

Hilarious. No "pew pew" games?

Re: Gambling Addicition by Snaga on Thu Jul 20, 2017 4:32 pm
You might consider posting in Gambling Addiction forum, the blogs are good for journaling but don't get much in the way of replies.

Re: Cal, age 30. Alter #57 by Johnny-Jack on Tue Jul 18, 2017 3:59 am
Well, Calvin isn't as old as we first guessed. Our best estimate now is he's 15 and only seems older because he took over from an adult and was able to hold onto some of the maturity. A similar thing happened...

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Re: MY HUSBAND SAYS I HAVE RUINED HIS LIFE by Snaga on Sat Jul 15, 2017 7:36 pm
Consider posting this in Relationships forum, the blogs might not get much response. Thanks!

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