Life comes at you fast on from many different angles. Note to self never try and get to know someone taking off your mask. Lmao! It doesn't work. Just keep it on. My therapist told me this. He said explicitly never take it off. I told him you know one day soon I hope to take it off and it will be all good and everything will work out fine. He was right, it didn't work. He said no one will like to see it. I tried recently and not in the way people think. I mean they don't even understand what you did. I tried to show my feelings my emotions. All it does is creep people out cuz that's how awkward they feel. I tried to be vulnerable. I was vulnerable. So they could be. It doesn't work, I repeat it doesn't work. They will never be able to connect with you on that level. It is too strong for them to bond with you. Too intense and in fact it flatters them to a point they think your obsessed or desperate. Don't ever do it again. Protect the image people like and enjoy and accept. My therapist told me that I can only modify my behavior but not my core. He told me not to uncover who you really are. That no one would like or appreciate it so just compensate and be the projection of your self that people can enjoy and tolerate. I told him I would prove him wrong. That was almost five years ago. He was right and I was wrong.
Oh I gave it a go. I tried my dead level best. You know I should of known better. I've probably now lost a friend that I actually liked. I never should of put this on them. I was wrong for that. They is good people and it is a lot to ask for anyone to do even the ideal candidate. A opportunity occurred and I was like I'm a go for it. They said it was weird. ROFL! It isn't their fault. It isn't. I am very well.....I feel bad about it. They don't deserve to be scared. I didn't try to. I was trying to connect, to gain their trust. I did everything I could to like obtain it. Maybe they just needed more time. I probably jumped the gun but this was a one shot deal. Strip the superficiality away and dive in and well the water chilled me to the bone. I want to be comfortable and that's only gonna happen if they are comfortable around me. I guess I'm to fuked up for that.
Thing is I was totally trying to work up to it the moment I got involved with them. Was thinking hey this might work! I was pretty excited. They have dealt with people before that were "difficult." I was absolutely certain that it was going to work. Total failure. What lies beneath should stay beneath and never surface. Just be your charming awesome sexy self. Don't risk it cuz you will look hella weak. But not only weak but a pathetic weak. I don't know I'm pretty disappointed in me. I came to the forum to prove my diagnosis wrong. Even though it was an answer to prayer. I thought maybe God was telling me this is how far I have fallen. But no he was telling me like it was. This is you. I've done my best to modify it but I can never be myself in front of anyone except people who don't mind. And well those people are only found in a few places. Usually the sort no one wants to hang with. So you live and
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Death happens. I've seen my share. The mom in law died if front of us a couple weeks back. Stage four brain and lung. The family of course was devastated. Trying mourn but now the father in law is in front of me as I type close to death. His heart is damaged and has pneumonia. Mass on his lung. He is a tough dude tho I will give him that. Pain is probably excruciating. He is taking it like a man. But he won't hold on it looks. No strength. The family is shell shocked. Life has a way of throwing a curve at you and for my in laws this one is pretty tough to swallow. Losing both their parents over a short time takes a toll.
They feel terrible it seems they have no emotion left. Just hollow flat effect like me. So can or do emotions run out if used up for a long period of time? That is an interesting question isn't it?
I marvel at the technology tho that keeps people alive. Life support systems to give people a chance to keep living. I'm not sure I would want it tho, especially in a futile exercise like this. I don't want my children to have to choose when or why to pull the proverbial plug. I think I will mention I don't want artificial life support unless it is 50/50 chances you know. Otherwise just let me go.
I've had to cancel my classes for fundamentals of fighting twice now and every time I get words and messages of comfort. They really seem to be sincere and think I'm hurting or something. Sometimes reading them I get uncomfortable because I don't know how to respond. I usually just say thx and that's it. I wish my in laws would get some comfort. It seems silly to me I have a better support group then they when I'm not the one who needs it. I don't really need the love right now but they do. They would appreciate the words of comfort far more than me. That is the sad irony of things and paradoxical truths that sometimes makes me pray and ask God uh what is this all about? I appreciate the love for me God but can you direct some towards them who need it more than I? He usually listens and I thank God for that.
I've seen plenty of people die. Some fight, others don't. People cry and mourn, some are thankful the suffering ends. People have different ways of viewing it and dealing with it. Some don't know what to do with it. For me personally when I see someone die and like every time it happens I always think the same thing. I'm alive. I'm living. It only happens once and we never know for how long. I'm alive.
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Today was one of those days that were not so great. Not because of anything horrible or some hardship. Just wasn't really hitting connections today and had some misunderstandings. People are confusing for real. They don't see what they are doing or how they are effecting or even acknowledging that they maybe not really being flexible. It seems I'm always adapting to others yet they don't have the wherewithal to do it themselves. It is very frustrating. Thing is humans are very flawed and although they may have good intentions didn't that saying that those paved the way to hell? It's these times that make me back up and say to myself am I going to far the other way and maybe giving up to much or relinquishing to much power. Giving people free will and not manipulating or controlling them in some way lets others it seem feel as if they have some sort of privilege they really don't have. In fact, that is where most of misanthropic thoughts come from. They don't even realize that they are committing infractions they don't allow others to commit. Like for example the saying give an inch and take a mile. Those things make me wonder if the effort is worth it. Although my zealot type of nature is overtly critical at times, I completely believe I'm not on this point. That everyone at times feels that their situation and their well being and comfort zone is what is most important and necessary. Like when people say things like, "I can't take this anymore." It isn't that they can't, it is that they won't. Or they don't feel the need to. Either way it is self centered. I always laugh when I hear someone say, "I'm just not comfortable with this." And what if the other person is? I remember in therapy my shrink said it was always on the onus to the so called perpetrator of the feeling of uncomfortability to conform. I never agreed with this. Maybe those people are just fuking pussies you know? Maybe they will always be uncomfortable. Second, it seems those who are like more moral than most seem to think because this is true they is no valid reason why anyone should complain about their behavior. They always have a good reason for their behavior even though and everyone just lets it slide with no scrutiny at all. No mulling it over. That's the way it is and that's it. There is nothing to do but agree. They will never budge because they are so convinced that the way it is of their choosing is the best way because well they know best don't they? It seems to me they don't even get why people capitulate to them. They don't connect the dots. I'm assuming that's because people intuitively know they won't change their mind. And so why bother? And people go along but it gives them an enabling I don't like and it contorts the world into something that is true in their head but really isn't true. They are not correct or right, they are just difficult and no one like drama. Usually it is nothing to really get upset about. Usually it is a little thing but I sometimes I feel or sense it is a bigger thing cuz it sticks in my craw. Like a sliver or something.
I seen an apartment today. A few blocks towards a neighborhood I'm used to but I think I will have to get rid of my dog. That sucks. It is my dog that I happen to like. Sure once he is gone I won't remember him or even think of him cuz after all he is just a stupid dog. But it is my dog and I've put hours into him. I've made him what he is. He is my property and to move certain places I will have to give him up and that makes me a little bit upset. Lol
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Like a real Mohawk from back in the day. Like a couple of feet tall Mohawk colored type of Mohawk. Like the kind of Mohawk that makes you want to punch the guy in the face Mohawk. And I've seen today some terrible awful tattoos. I don't have a tattoo on my body but I don't mind others having them but these today have been atrocious. Just mind boggling horror shows of tasteless art. I probably honestly would pick a horrible tattoo as well to get if I got them. I'm a horrible artist. Good with a can of spray paint but other than that terrible. So if I kinda got one it probably would be horrendous like the ones I saw today. People were also looking terribly ugly today as well. Just an overall off day for beauty all the way around. Although there was of course the main stays that always look good. Never having an off day. They was the same of course but everyone looked like they got into a horrible fight with the cat or something. And so I wonder how some people just maintain their eye candy likeness and others cannot. I think maybe it is their minimalist approach. Blasé or cavalier almost. Always steady Freddie with the clothes and accessories. Subdued hairstyles and make up if used at all. Never trying to hit a home run but hey doubles and triples all around. They figured it out. I'm not sure if I'm there yet. But I do hate having to wear company garb. It is like dressing down a bit. I can't look like I normally do cuz the polo shirt is like black everyday. And slacks can only work in so many colors and foot wear well lol.
I just wear these black suede ocean pacific skate shoes and say fuk it.
On another note a random employee from one of the stores asked me if I knew how to break into a car. Lmao! Why but of course I do! She was like I knew it with a grin. Really lady? Is it that obvious or something?! Lol it was funny of course and she locked her keys in her car. So we took care of it. It was a funny moment tho. What a b!tch!
Everyone is so damn cheerful today and very chatterbox today. Even more so than yesterday. Almost too much. But I've had no urges today and am very calm. That's good. And I swear what the hades I have got no call backs from anyone today about anything like housing what not. These people are so slow. Oh boy someone is now fighting and they are threatening to call the police. Better hit the submit button and get out of the way.
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You know I'm only 2000$ behind really. If I had that I'd be good. That's wild cuz back in the day I would have that in like an afternoon. Talked to the landlord today and they said they wanted to keep us as tenants but it is too expensive for me. I really don't feel like moving at all. But it is what it is. So I'm not sure what I'm going to do now. I will just pray and just pick a direction and go. They say God helps them that helps themselves. Yeah it doesn't happen that way. It isn't written anywhere in the Bible that it operates that way. Thing is you do have to do your part as well otherwise your just an idiot. This is the core test here. Will I stay faithful or will I waver and take control? Like in a nose dive and waiting for the last minute for the pilot to pull up. Will he? Well he always has but what about this time? Doubts. So you shake the doubt off and just wait for Gods will to be done. Even if it is homelessness or whatever. My family won't like it but they really would not like it if I went back to my old life. And for sure if I went to jail. If people knew better they wouldn't get anyone to rely on them. Cuz it is perilous for them you know? Especially children their fate is in your hands. But no one seems to think this way. Like it could be worse and in reality it isn't so bad. Cuz it isn't. Like I had a friend did seven years prison but cried when he had to sleep in the car. Seems strange.
People are swarming me today again tho. My fuked up vibes must be gone. Everyone all over me smiling and in your personal space. Waving and carrying on being just overtly friendly. So my simmering has subsided more than likely and that's good. It can't be good for your organs you know. For your physical health. I mean your angry but doesn't seem like it on the outside. Or more often that not you don't even know it cuz your comfortable with it. I suppose it doesn't make sense but it is how it is. But I wonder if it is damaging to my physical health.
Man people are well dressed today. I got to admit them European or that side of the world people dress much better than us. Just seen a group of Russians and I know they are not technically European but they are dressed very well. And then I see a huge obese American with an over size tank top and faded shorts and flip flops lmao! Murica!!!! Fuk yeah!!!!
Sh!t speaking of that I forgot to clean my rifle again. Damn. I will get to that tonight.
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