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Mister Nice
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I need to change.
   Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:04 am

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I need to change.

Permanent Linkby Mister Nice on Fri Feb 27, 2015 7:04 am

I need to change because I am not living the life I want to live. Because I am unhappy, even though I know it's only my mind that is making it so.

I even know the things I need to change, and I will write them here so I do not forget, and also, because I want some kind of accountability for it. I'll try to work out what I have to do as well.

1) I need to learn to relax. I am always tense. My mind is always on something, and my body is, for the most part, also tense. Most people that know me would say that they find me really relaxed, like a laid back kind of guy---but it's all in my head, my muscles, my posture. Lately, this has been affecting my face and expression, which is in itself quite worrying, although it's quite minimal.

The solution seems quite obvious, but not so easy to implement: mindfulness. If I could be a mindful person, I would have no problems in my posture, as I'd be aware of any discomfort as it occurs and adjust accordingly. I would be more able to enjoy the moment and forget the mind as long as I need. But, before that---mindfulness takes some time to achieve, I would suppose--- I need to come to terms with myself. Forgive my flaws. Forget past mistakes, and focus on the present and possible future ones. It all sounds great in theory...I wish I knew how to do the latter, and I wish to have the endurance to have a jab at the former.

2) I need to learn how to LIVE. When I talk to people, and I hear their stories, I always feel theirs are so much more interesting than mine. These people, they know how to live! They weren't scared, they took their chances, and they exposed themselves. I can always rationalize this, and think that, maybe they were better looking, or had more money, more chances, or whatever... But the fact is, I am just deeply scared of rejection. I don't know why, but insecurity kills me. And that's the next point. I wish I had the solution to knowing how to truly live, but I'll keep going and maybe I can work something out.

3) I need to be more assertive. Assertiveness is being sure about what you want. Or what you say. It's being confident. Insecurity shows everywhere, and it reeks. I don't want to be that person. How can I fix this? By thinking a little bit more about what I say, and in so, being more secure about my words. By running, and doing exercise, lifting weights and eating more, as I am really on the slim side. I believe that by having a stronger, fitter physique I will feel more confident in myself, and I will in fact, be more "powerful", at least in a physical sense.

4) I need to face my fears. The thing is, I'm not sure what I am scared of, truly. I mean, out of the "normal" fears, like the well-being of my loved ones. Talking about loved ones, and by that I mean my family, I am truly scared that nobody will ever love me. I am in my mid-twenties and I have never felt true love. I don't mean my family, they love me, in their ways. And I do in mine. I'm scared I'll never really connect with anyone, that I'll just grow old, sad, and lonely.

I also wish I had the recipe out of this mess, but it's not like I can just force myself to "go out", for example. I don't feel I have the tools or the self esteem yet to get myself out there and not feel like I'm just "trying too hard", or whatnot.

I'm seen as a normal guy by most people---I am even kind of a "social chameleon" in college. I just don't want to be seen as the odd one out, so I'm just a tad louder and more assertive there. One of my classmates even remarked earnestly how nice it would be to go out with me, and how many chicks I must have laid already. I don't lie to anyone, for the most part. But it's kind of taxing on me, and I've dialed it down as of late.

How do you face your fears? In general, I have avoided them. For example, because I fear rejection, I do not put myself in the position of being rejected. I suppose it's all down to self esteem issues, and working on being more assertive and more aware should take care of some of that anxiety. When I feel confident enough, I will not be bothered by rejection, at least not so much. I know that rationally, "no" is just a word, and I shouldn't take it so personally. Meditation should help me work out that it doesn't really matter in the end.

So...all in all, I should try mindfulness, I should think more about the things I say, I should do more exercise and gain weight, and I should try and face my fears. None of these are easy feats, least of all the last ones. I'm not even sure how to start. But I will try, and if I have the motivation, I will keep writing, be it here or for myself, to actively get myself out of this hole.

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RE: I need to change.

Permanent Linkby angel82 on Fri Mar 06, 2015 6:34 am

Hi,

I have read your blog, it's well-written!
Can I ask what you have tried to help you, up until this point?
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Re: I need to change.

Permanent Linkby Mister Nice on Fri Mar 06, 2015 2:45 pm

I replied to you in a PM. Thank you for reading!
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