It has come to my immediate attention after understanding of self that I need to create a personality; persona if you will. Although it will be a man-made false self missing pathological denial, it's like pretending to be an ASPD fellow, deceiving yet I will be lonely. However hard this shall be, it's about carrying on.

Realistically, I'm out of both primary and secondary supply, no internet forum of ASPD fellows can fill the void, although the knowledge and intellect I gain on the forum is beneficial. It isn't about giving up, it's about not giving up and not suffering. It's about relearning all the tricks in the book after they've been turned upon its very end. It's about being a man and continuing no matter what.

It's like being a zombie, out of blood, wanting to shrivel and die but forcing the self to fight against overwhelming odds, no matter how drained and dead one is. It's like holding a heart of frail glass and forcing it to fight in a jungle of wolves and lions.

Take it out to burn, turn the pain against the hand which holds the sword. In an existence which holds no other, thrusting the self from a fragile frame into a life of hedonism yet as I attempt dearly, Christianity and good intention. I've already questioned the meaning of it all whilst holding a dead spark, I've learned not to expect.

This horror story never seems to end, I'm starting to understand that I'm prepared to continue and find a way no matter what the cost. If anyone has advice for supply, I would appreciate it.

One could debate that ignorance is bliss, as Albert Einstein suggested; ego = 1/knowledge.

The truthfulness to such a statement I believe is all too true, I am one of 7,000,000,000 sentient life forms living on a desolated planet in a universe in the middle of a never expanding universe. Essentially; everything does not matter, including me. I do not need to point out the subjective stance of morality, I have no limitations or boundaries I'm willing to push with haste to get what I desire.

Although a very truthful matter; completely and utterly pessimistic to the extreme. The same with breaking through the pathological denial as stated such; the Narcissistic core defence mechanisms.

If one can understand a reality and live in truth, shouldn't I be happy?
Or is it the never ending path of improvement and to resent being a modern day slaves man yet seeing others succeed so impressively, it gives me no reward to be apathetic towards a meaningless existence. So very much potential in me; but to what use? So young, intelligent and attractive, why am I not happy?

I still believe theirs a higher sentient life force, a God. The only question left to answer: am I cursed?