We'll be at my dad's place for a while, mostly to make sure he won't get angry because we're mostly at my mom's place. Divorced parents, guess I'm not the only one with this kind of situation. They're actually Jeff's parents, but I'll just say "my parents" to make it a bit easier.

Today I've got flashbacks of a lot of moments, one of the moments was our ex-girlfriend. Jeff never knew about having a relationship with her. We've had that relationship for about 4 weeks, I don't know who of us broke up with her but it did hurt me a lot. I'm getting over it now though. That brought me to another memory, also an ex-girlfriend. That relationship lasted for about 1 day, 4 hours te be more exact. She asked us, Suzie said yes to her, and a couple of hours later she broke up with us because someone else asked her. At that moment I wanted to kill her, I just felt the urge to rip her head off. Glad I didn't do it though.

I'm probably going to end up with some kids at a playground tomorrow, so then it will be "MAYAAAAAA!" (she's way better with kids). Those are the kinds of things I like about DID, with the right system you can take a rest. Just like you making your caring side take care of kids, you wouldn't put your angry side there, but with me it is the maya-side instead of the caring side. Gotta love your family

Demi

Today was my birthday (October 21). I didn't really get any presents, but I did get some cake. We don't have a lot a lot of money at the moment, so it was a bit hard to buy presents. At this side of the world it is already dark, nearly nighttime already. Time flies, and at the end of the day you're thinking "what have I done today actually?"

During the shower and breakfast I wasn't allowed to get in front, I was locked up in my room on the inside. Quite frustrating to me, because it was my birthday after all. Before I noticed it Jeff pulled my to the front, and the first thing I noticed was a piece of cake. They had ordered my favorite piece of cake, I loved it.

Maya has been in front for a while, she posted something on the forum too. It quite shocked me once I read it, I don't know her like that, she's mostly the caring type. I think she didn't mean to hurt anyone, that she just wanted to speak her mind, or actually our minds since most of us were thinking the way she described. I did make me take a look at myself, and I noticed that I might be judging a bit too fast sometimes. It's strange though, sometimes my thoughts seem so natural, and because of that I don't feel the urge to speak your mind. But when someone else says exacty what I was thinking, it hits me like an arrow through my heart. It's strange how something that feels so natural, gets to be so painful.

Hello,

I don't know if anyone reads these blogs, but I'll never know for sure if I don't try, right? Well, today and yesterday have been hard. Yesterday was simply chaotic everyone running around, screaming around, just not fun. I'm tired, really tired. I mostly ask myself "why? why do I even bother living with DID?"

I might not be the core or the host, but my suicidal thoughts have been hard for everyone to live with. But I could never do it, I got scared of the feeling that I'd kill the little ones to, I got the feeling that if I would commit suicide, I'd kill the kids too.

That's it for now, I'm too tired at the moment

Demi