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MK91
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- November 2011
10/31/11
   Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:32 pm

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10/31/11

Permanent Linkby MK91 on Wed Nov 09, 2011 7:32 pm

(Delay in posting because their was a snowstorm in New England that blew out everyone's power for a friggen week. I wrote this in a word document during the snowstorm as a note to my best friend who was up in college and I had no way of contacting because phones and cellphones were also down.)

Yesterday (10/30/11) I went to work at 4:15PM – Grandma refused to bring me because it was snowing badly outside and trees had begun to fall. My creepy step-uncle finally agreed to bring me, and it was chaotic trying to get there because there was a tree and a bunch of powerlines on the borderline road of Avon and Canton (and they’re still down – in fact, there are a BUNCH of powerlines down there). He told me he wouldn’t bring me home and that if I couldn’t find a ride home, I was stuck. I got there and the store was steadily busy for a while. After about an hour, Johann shows up out of the blue with an early anniversary present (which was chocolate, haha). So when I told him how I was going to be stranded, he told me to ask my boss if I could just go while he was there. My boss let me go, which is good because by the time I got home (about 5:30PM) my house had no power and my mom and brother were not too happy about it. Johann had to go to work even though he KNEW there wouldn’t be any flights or anything, so I stuck around my house and Grandpa and my uncle came over and hooked up the generator so that we would have limited power. As we speak I’m running my laptop on it’s battery (which I’ve been trying to do as much as possible because it would absorb a lot of power and I only have one working outlet in my room (out of four) which currently has a lamp running from it while I’m typing).

Well, I had told Johann to text me so I would have something to do with no power. But after he left I checked my phone only to find it had no service (and continues to have no service…) even though it worked when I was at ShopRite, so I called him on my house phone to let him know. Johann told me that the roads were bad (and even though I was in the kitchen on the only working phone in my house where people could hear me) I insisted he leave Jack in possession, because Jack is the one with the obsessive survival instincts. So Jack took over, and I let them go to work. (Thankfully no one in my family was paying enough attention to hear me call him that)

Jack calls me back around 8:00PM telling me that he’s been told to go home early, and for the next four hours he keeps calling me to update me with progress of where he is – he says he wants me to know in case anything happens to him, and lots of roads were blocked off due to trees falling EVERYWHERE (in fact, there are trees allllllll over my yard right now…). So at about…1:00AM I get another call saying that he’s had to stop somewhere because all the roads are blocked off. I told him okay, hung up, and went back to watching a movie (which I had been watching since 10:00PM, and I continuously watched all night until he got home because we had no cable). At about 2:00-something I got another call saying he had gotten farther but had been stopped because a tree had just fallen in the road and he had to wait for them to move it. I told him okay and went back to my dvds. 3:00-something I get a call where Jack just started crying and told me he was scared and just wanted to go home. But that his truck was stuck in a snowpile and he couldn’t get it out – he had broken his shovel trying. (And Jack admitted tonight when we went out for supplies and such that it was him and not Johann like I had thought, telling me, ‘I know what I’m doing tonight. I lost my head last night, and I’m not proud of it…I should have just…stayed calm. That’s what you’re supposed to do. If you stay calm and keep a level head you’ll survive, and I didn’t…’) So I tried to comfort him as best as I could (because none of them get emotional easily ._. and I was scared for them too). While we were on the phone some plow-driver drove past an...

[ Continued ]

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10/06/11 - It's Been A While, Hasn't It?

Permanent Linkby MK91 on Thu Oct 06, 2011 10:09 am

I haven't had much to complain about in Johann's mind before tonight.

Tonight Johann came over and we had a serious discussion about how he always seems paranoid that I'm going to break up with him or leave him for whatever reason when I assure him there is not a doubt in my mind that I ever will. Luke, who was fully in possession with none of the others around him like they usually were, admitted that he wasn't used to being out in control the way that he has been for the last week or so, and broke down on me. He told me that not only was it weird to look at his mother and realize she looked a lot older than the last time he had seen her (eighteen years ago), but to also be informed that his mother has serious problems with her back that require a high-risk surgery was not only scaring him, it was scaring everyone.

To top it all off, Kiddo was ill and hiding in his room, Chibi was hiding in his room, and Johnny and Jack were depressed and drinking in their living room. I've known Johnny to drink whenever he's upset, but Jack? It has to be something really bad if it pushed Jack to that extreme.

Kiddo eventually came out and told me he was okay, he was just in a lot of pain, but after spending a bit of time with me started to act like his old self. I still don't know precisely what's wrong with him, but I heard that he and Johnny nearly merged the other night because of something Johnny did, but Kiddo managed to prevent it by maintaining a piece of himself, thereby temporarily negating Johnny's connection to him. I know that Kiddo and Johnny want to remain separate, but because Kiddo is the same personality as Johnny, only a few years younger, I'm wondering how long they can pull it off before they are forced to merge...

Johnny came out and apologized for everything he and the others had done (in 'not trusting me') and in his depressed/drunk state started muttering something about people dying and a lot more blood than anyone should see before passing out and leaving Jack in possession. Jack also apologized and when I asked him if he was okay, he immediately told me no. Last response I'd ever expect from Jack who always insists he has everything under control. Jack was also muttering something to the effect of what Johnny was muttering about, but didn't want to talk about it.

Before Johann went home for the night I had to insist that Jack and Johnny both go to bed for the sake of I didn't want any of their mind intoxicated (even if there wasn't literally any alcohol in their body) while driving home, which is half an hour from where I live. So I left Luke in possession again, with the promise he would keep an eye on them.

I don't know what's upsetting Jack and Johnny so much. I worry about Johnny when he's upset especially, because he tends to get sick. He was already complaining he felt like throwing up when he got into possession, and despite my being emetophobic (throw up-phobic) I told him that because he's the alter who seems sick the most often and needs to be taken care of for it, I would probably be more worried about taking care of him than the throw up itself. I asked why Johnny seemed to always be the sick alter, and Johnny claimed it had something to do with his resolve to NOT be sick therefore the others tend to throw him into possession when the body is ill. I guess that's why now even when the body isn't ill Johnny has developed a habit of being ill whenever he's upset. =\

I don't think I'll get to see Johann until Friday, so I guess I'll just have to wait and see when I talk to him tomorrow how everyone's doing. If those two are still drinking, we're going to have problems.

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Personal Notes

Permanent Linkby MK91 on Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:21 am

Not intended to make my boyfriend sound like a science experiment, but are genuine reminders to myself, or things I have observed. Subject to change or notes may be added as time goes on.

Jack:
-Has nerve damage in his left eye from the childhood 'brick incident'. If that eye starts twitching (generally if he's stressed), rub the nerve above his eye until he calms down, it seems to make it stop.
-Jack wants to think that he is like his father and nothing at all like his mother. Has difficulty talking to her now since it's been since childhood that he's spoken to her (him personally). If I ever have questions about their father - ask Jack, don't ask someone who can be triggered into 'that' memory, but ask anyone other than Jack about their mother.

Johnny:
-Gets stressed easily, and if not convinced to come out and talk about it (or at least be comforted about it), will sit in his room and get drunk, eat everything in the house, or go out and eat fast food (which he shouldn't because they're on a diet).
-Johnny gets sick when he's in pain (headaches, etc), and will start gagging and practically throw up if not kept calm or treated quickly.
-Johnny also seems to be the sickest of everyone and has a higher likelihood of making the body sick than everyone else, even when there's nothing wrong.

Kiddo:
-Need to tread lightly with his asthma (which is worse than everyone else's), specifically because if strained too much Kiddo can be triggered into a childhood memory wherein he nearly suffocated, caught under a pile of snow with no one around.
-Kiddo should also be reminded to use their inhaler before switching out of possession, or it'll hit the next person to switch in hard enough to have an asthma attack.
-Also need to tread lightly around arguments - Kiddo can be triggered into flashbacks of his parents locking themselves in their room and screaming at each other in German so he can't understand them or reach them. If I need to argue with someone in the system, make sure Kiddo is far out of earshot, and NEVER yell at Kiddo himself.
-Not so much candy, but Kiddo likes sweet things like Lucky Charms cereal or ice cream. These tend to keep him happy or calm. Also tend to work as a reward when he's behaving.
-Kiddo will try to imitate the others' voices without my knowing as a prank - pay close attention to his breathing pattern, it's the only thing that gives him away.

Chibi:
-Is very hypersensitive to anything that is said to him. Unless it's something to the effect of, 'You are adorable.' or 'I love you.' the reaction will be a scared and defense, 'What does that mean?? You don't love me anymore??'
-Remind Kiddo to play with him everyone once and a while, he gets lonely.
-Chibi does not know about the existence of the core personality, Luke, living inside him. As such, asking, 'Can I speak to Luke?' does nothing. I've yet to discover how to draw Luke out in order to speak to him.
-Chibi has a tendency to call me 'mommy'. He wants and needs to be treated like an actual child, and not like Kiddo.

Luke:
-Encourage him to come out more often, he actually wants to experience life 'on the outside'.

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08/07/11 - A new host

Permanent Linkby MK91 on Sun Aug 07, 2011 9:10 am

A lot happened tonight...I can't even go into it all.

The host of my boyfriend's body went into a really bad bit of depression and tried to throw their physical body off a bridge tonight...somehow he blocked the others from reaching him, and only Dante (not co-conscious with their system) was able to pull him away from the edge until I could call him and talk him into coming home.

It was scary as f***. I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life.

Worried for everyone's safety, Jack has taken over the role as host. But he's really nervous about it. I told him he NEEDS to get help - that Johann could have killed them all. Jack is the one most afraid of dying, so I'm not afraid of Jack committing suicide. He's also strong-willed. He claims he'll look into getting help, in exchange for my not reporting the incident to my therapist or the police, etc, and he has Johann locked up away from the others.

All I know is...things are going to be very stressful for Jack and Johnny for a while until they can figure out what went wrong with Johann. Johnny has promised both myself and Jack that he will be there whenever help is needed. Dude to spending a lot of time co-existant with Johann, Johnny knows how to pretend to be the host. And Jack is going to need it.

Worst-case-scenario: Jack becomes permanent host and Johann is fragmented.

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08/04/11 - A movie I never want to see again

Permanent Linkby MK91 on Sat Aug 06, 2011 12:40 am

**Trigger warning: death, abuse.**

Earlier tonight Jack and I started talking. I told Jack it was time that I finally spoke to him about some things that had been on my mind for weeks now.

Jack and I talked about how one day he'll have to become the host. Johann is replacing him, but Johann is a facade personality whom Jack intentionally created a long time ago. Jack is the one whom all things process through before reaching the rest of the system. Even when Johann is in possession, Jack is always playing 'backseat driver' (which he half-admitted to). But Jack is afraid to be host - he doesn't want the world to see him.
(Jack) 'I can't become the host. My personality would shift into this...anti-social...jerk. That's not Johann.'
(Me) 'Well, Johann's personality is happy-perky, apologize every five seconds, be optimistic, ask what you can do for others ALL the time...'
(Johann) 'I genuinely like to help people!'
(Me) 'Yes, but it comes across as fake, honey...it's waaaaay too cheery, and it just...sounds phony.'
(Jack) 'Oh, I forgot you Americans just corrupted the pleasantries of conversation...'
(Me) 'ExCUSE me?? YOU'RE American too! I don't care if your father was German and your mother was Venezuelan! YOU were born here, YOU are American.'
(Jack) 'Don't remind me...'
(Me) 'You think you're German, don't you?'
(Jack) 'I'm half German.'
(Me) 'You think you're German. You make it perfectly clear that you have pride in the fact that you're German.'
(Jack) '...yeah?'
(Me) 'It's because your father was German.'

I asked him why next to seven and a half different alters...why was he the one most like their father. The only one really like him. Jack was "born" in 1993 along with Chibi after Luke's 'death', as opposed to what I had originally assumed - that he was "born" in 1997 after their father's death. Chibi was born to replace Luke as the body's host, HIM, as Jack was then known, was created to protect him.

Jack, both in his mental physical appearance and his personality are much like he describes his father. And heck, Johann even carries a photo of his father in his wallet (he claims it's been sixteen years, and he'll forget what he looks like if he doesn't), and will at times pull it out to me and go, 'See? I have my father's face. I have his nose, I have his eyes...' (He honestly does. The physical body's eyes are normally a gray-blue, but the right eye has a brown spot in the right corner of it where the eye should be blue-gray instead. Apparently it was inherited from his father - every alter in their head save for Dante has it. (Instead Dante's right eye is the human-colored one and the other is demonic red, which was caused by his viewing of the memory of their father's death))

Jack responded, 'Not enough time with him.'
I looked at him, puzzled.
'How long was I with him?' He asked me.
'...1993 to 1997.'
'Four years...not enough time.'
'And Chibi was out for the majority of it.'
'Yes, Chibi got to know him...I didn't. But I don't begrudge him. I just wish I had known him longer.'
'So you took to acting like him...'
'I copied his mannerisms...' (Including his voice, as Chibi has claimed their father had a pretty low voice. Jack's voice is the lowest their vocal chords can manage, and the others, even Johnny, aren't capable of imitating him.)

Jack and I continued to talk. I told Jack I thought he was a half-introject. Part of him was, for the other personalities, precisely what they remembered of their father - the protector, the older figure who looked out for them, but still had some sense of chauvinism. But at the same time, while fathering the other personalities, Jack maintains his own name and separate thought process and personality.

Jack went on to tell me that he missed his father, but realized he was long-dead. And all Jack wants to do now is to finish growing up and start a family of his own so he can be just as good a father as his was.
'Did you think your father was a good father?'...

[ Continued ]

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