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Lucinda
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The Child
   Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:15 pm

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The Child

Permanent Linkby Lucinda on Fri Mar 14, 2014 9:15 pm

The Child:

He will be four years old this July. He is not my child, but one who chose my partner of twelve years as father and a woman I despise as his mother. It was a difficult labour. It took 24hrs of indecision before he finally arrived into this world to continue a path that inflicted pain on all those around. Angelic to look at, one could almost be convinced that the exorbitant price paid for him was justifiable.

Who was called upon to sacrifice the most?

I thought initially it was I.
For I was not given a choice.
The mother was 5 months pregnant before anyone informed me. The news was finally broken to me two weeks before I was due to reunite with my true Love D ( the child’s father to be ) having been apart for 9 months.

And what of D…my ex…?
He was too weak to say No to her selfish desire to have this child. Apart from the motivation of producing something that could be considered a success; something he could look at and feel proud of, I think he naively gave in to the mother’s insistence that having this child would make him happy; happier than his years with me. He believed it when she told him he would make a great Father; that his Love for me was a co-dependent destructive force…she was offering him something beautiful …the answer to all his problems….

Four years have passed and his face depicts a hollow eyed picture of despair. I felt pity as I studied the photo he sent me recently. Was it his intention to have this effect ; to convey a message that his reaching out to me of late is akin to a skeletal hand begging to be pulled back into a life it once knew?
Could it be possible that his recent words where he said he never stopped Loving me and always will…..are true?
And does it even matter any more?
His eyes are dead.

And What of her, the mother:
She of course had to have this child. Her trophy, her hard earned prize for Years of wanting and manipulating.
She also wanted D, the whole package.
And as long as I was in the picture she wanted him more. as soon as I would exit, she would discard D….having plenty of excuses; his heroin and benzo addiction, considered minor flaws during the times she worked on him to be with her.

They are not together.

I don’t waste time wondering how or why.

All I know is I am perhaps the winner in all this.
But it is a hollow victory tainted by my concern for him.

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1 out of 52 out of 53 out of 54 out of 55 out of 5

In memory of my wayward uncle

Permanent Linkby Lucinda on Thu Feb 06, 2014 9:23 pm

..he died yesterday at 5am. I want to devote some writing to this wayward man, whose life was fraught with strife.
He was brilliant academically but like many of his peers two of whom started AA in Ireland, he battled with alcohol addiction. We have many dark comedy sketches to draw on, which depict his dysfunction. One story is when two Russian guards, on duty guarding the Russian embassy in Ireland ( Uncle Liam lived next door)...left their post to wrestle him to the ground in an effort to prevent him from driving to procure more alcohol. To have left their post would have entailed punishment had they been caught.....
He was handsome; a Paul Newman lookalike, and all his offspring ( my first cousins) were beautiful to look at ; equally as talented and equally dysfunctional. Two sons suicided and last year his 15yr old grandson chose the same route.
Liam was 80yrs old and had managed to beat the demon alcohol for the past 15yrs with but one relapse. During this relapse our family had to intervene and nurse him back to health, his own family ( those remaining alive ) were unable to show the required Love or care to do so.
The death of his grandson was the only death he dealt with whilst sober. Perhaps the strength he showed at handling the grief, exerted an inward toll and his reward for such stoicism was cancer.
He was diagnosed less than a week ago, and is now dead. So hard to believe.; so fast...
His humour was witty and layered and often inappropriate. I remember at his eldest sons funeral he drank and drank and made lewd jokes about his flaccid penis. How ''it is not everyday a man's son dies' and we should all drink up and make merry.....
The past two years were spent searching for meaning and purpose to life. Being a 'left brained' man , he was desperate to seek proof that Jesus and God existed and refuted dates and facts in the literature he accessed. He drove us insane with his critical analysis of books like the thirteenth apostle...We would joke about it. My dad, his brother ( a monosyllabic emotionally detached different kind of alcoholic )would complain about having to listen to Liam rant and rave about that f'ucking 13th apostle and who the f'ck was that apostle?
Liam resisted the idea there is a God, yet desperately wanted to find evidence to prove himself wrong.
My angelic sister was the only one who could listen to him or endure his company these past few years. His wife and daughter lamented the fact he was sober as he was ''more likeable when drunk''
And this weird pair who hibernate from the world and have understandably little Love in their hearts must now face another funeral. They will be grateful I am overseas as for some reason I am a threat to them. For some reason my female cousin has felt I have succeeded in life and she has failed. Being close in age, ridiculous comparisons were made by family when we were younger. Uncle Liam always put his daughter down in his comparisons to me. :( Now we are fearful of each other without really knowing why)....
In a strange way his tenacity to life in the face of so much adversity was a source of strength to all who knew him.
I am filled with sadness that he is gone.
Anyway Liam, if there is anything I wish for you, it is that you have found peace. And to request if there is an after life you send us a sign. My sister deserves it if not I. :)

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