I'm still attempting to make something happen by way of online dating. It's rough. I've contacted about eight women so far, and received one reply - an automated 'polite refusal'. The other emails dropped into a black hole. I write custom emails to each women I message, and I think hard before I write. It's really discouraging to put in all that effort and not hear anything back, not even a 'sorry not interested'.

I have a feeling my profile is part of the problem. My profile is honest. Read between the lines, and it says I'm a loner. I'm an atheist, and in the religious section state so. Living in the Midwest as I do, that is going to be a real deal-breaker for many people. I think that many people, women especially since they have so much choice, come to the table with a bag full of deal-breakers. I don't think people generally do that in real life. At least, not as bad.

I'm not getting any views on my profile. There was a burst of views when I joined, but then it dropped off. It makes me feel unattractive. I have had more unhappy moments in the past three weeks than in the past five years combined. Why? Because I accepted my isolation for a long time, and therefore didn't generally feel lonely; but now that I'm exploring the possibility of being with someone, I feel lonely. It's an awful feeling.

I have not given up. I need to remember to keep myself out there. I know there's someone out there for me. The trouble is finding her. But, the clock is ticking. I wish I had done all this 15 years ago.

I was at a park trailhead earlier today, letting my dog have a good sniff around before taking her on a walk. Some guy who happened to be standing around commented, "your dog doesn't seem to be going very far!". It was meant good-naturedly, and I laughed and responded with an appropriate comment, yet immediately after replying I instinctively started to take a couple short step backward so that a sign stood between my face and the stranger's face. It's funny how deeply ingrained my avoidance is. To me avoidance is just a reflex.

I gave up on having a relationship a long time ago. I told myself that no one would want me, and that the .0001% chance of finding someone wasn't worth the huge risk associated with dating. I tried to find ways to fill the void in my life. My best decision was to adopt a dog. She's helped me get out of the house. I'm more physically active today than at any other point in my life thanks to her. It's wonderful to have someone to care for, even if she is an animal. It's wonderful to love and be loved.

For a while I was content with my choice. My future was clear: I would go for an early retirement and end up living the life of a complete hermit. I would live in a small house on a large plot of land, totally isolated from my neighbors and finally free. Then something happened to make me question my decision. I realized that the hermit life was really just an escapist fantasy. It's not want I truly want. Like all Avoidants, what I really crave is social interaction. I don't care about male friends, but what I do desire is a female companion. I want to start my own family, learn from the mistakes my own parents made, and be an effective and loving parent, and effective and loving husband.

The only way I can think of to meet people is through online dating sites. I created a few profiles at various sites, but none of the available women really interested me. There isn't a lot of choice in my area, and quite frankly I'm picky. I can't see myself with someone who isn't healthy, for example.

I did see one profile on match.com that I really liked - in fact I subscribed to that site just to email her - but what I had forgotten was that Match keeps inactive profiles around for a long time in order to get people to join. The woman I contacted undoubtedly gets a lot of clicks/emails and is a real money maker for Match. From her photos and considering her current age, I would guess that she joined Match four years ago. Needless to say she didn't email me back and in fact hasn't even read my email. There was another profile on No Longer Lonely that I liked, but she's been inactive for nearly a year. I've sent out a total of five emails so far, three to inactive people, and have not yet received a reply.

It's discouraging, and I was tempted to delete my online profiles. What I did instead was hide them. I need to learn to be more patient. I intend to check the various dating sites every couple of weeks to see if there is anyone who I think I can connect to. Most likely, it won't make a difference and I'll end up alone in that log cabin in Idaho. But, I will at least have tried to connect to someone.