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Lollirot
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Terrible day...
   Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:15 am

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Terrible day...

Permanent Linkby Lollirot on Mon Jun 27, 2011 6:15 am

Today was just awful. I really wish that I never bothered to even wake up :/.

I could feel myself splitting during a conversation today and even though I could feel it, I just got out of control. I know I must have said some hurtful stuff because she just shut down on me. And this is all after trying to repair everything. I've tried so damn hard to change my way of thinking but most of the time I get "But you still do this, and this, and this" that is all I can think of. I guess I just can't help how I feel sometimes.

Anyway, after that whole incident my suicidal idealization went out of control. I couldn't think of anything else other than what a horrible person I was and how everything would just be better without me. I tried to sleep a little before work. But then I slipped up again. I went to the store before work and bought some razorblades and just started cutting the $#%^ out of my legs. That was the only way that I felt a little bit better. Sometimes it is still the only way that I have to deal with how awful I think I am. I tried using my rubber bands, but they just don't feel the same.

The rubber bands inflict some pain and do make me feel a touch better, but they just can't compare to the razors. I like to watch the blood running down my skin, I love to watch it spill out all over the floor and onto my clothes. The rubber band just doesn't give me the same satisfaction...

Enough of that, I need to think positively again. I created my character for Vampire: The Requiem. I am trying to get Tryst to play with me. I want to start on this online group, but I get so damn anxious about stuff like that, I don't even know how to approach it... Tonight I am painting my Ork army. Painting calms me down sometimes, and when I see the finished product it makes me feel somewhat accomplished.

I feel bad about today, I hope that I can get to that movie with Deb tomorrow. Obviously today was a miserable failure in every aspect. I just have to try and turn it around.

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