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HOCD or in denial my entire life!?!? Help!?!?
   Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:58 pm

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HOCD or in denial my entire life!?!? Help!?!?

Permanent Linkby Lastrompetas on Fri Nov 23, 2012 5:58 pm

I'm 18 years old and just recently, out of nowhere, I've had this irrational fear of being gay, becoming gay or finding out I've been gay my entire life and I've just been in denial the whole time. I was bullied a lot as a child, and I didn't have any friends up until like 6th grade. I tried to partake in things like football during recess, but I was bullied because I was so skinny. I remember I got my first crush on a girl when I was in 3rd grade, even her name and what she looked like. I remember I got an erection from a girl taking her bra off in a television show. I remember I first masturbated when I was 12, to this image of a girl taking her bra off on television, and did it like 4 times that night to the same image. I remember on the first day of middle school, I couldn't stop thinking about girls and their chests and thought every girl in sight was hot in some way. I had two girlfriends when I was 17, but both of them left me for other guys within like a month. I was devastated when it happened, but I DID do sexual things like feel up under the bra/dry fingering with one of them and remember enjoying it very much. Hell, the reason why she broke up with me was because I couldn't stop kissing her and couldn't keep my hands off of her. I was recently rejected by a girl because of the same reason: Coming off too strong, and remember I was hurt by that too.

But, just like this week, I've had this fear that I may be gay. Many people accuse me of being gay simply because of the way I look(I'm really skinny), and sometimes wonder if my ex-girlfriends still want to be friends with me because they think I'm gay. Hell, whenever I masturbate, I ALWAYS think of a hot girl/girl I like, pair her up with a muscular guy and just make a porno out of it. But, here's the catch, the guy's face is NOT visible and sometimes is seen through a first-person view, and the girl is enjoying it VERY much. I can only watch a porn if it's a guy and a girl, but if the guy's face is showing, it's kind of a buzzkill. Sometimes, I'll look at another guy and say, "He's good-looking" or "He's got a nice body", but I don't think of anything sexual WITH them. Very rarely, I'll sometimes think of them having sex with a girl and imagine the girl enjoying it very much. I can't tell if I'm bisexual/gay, or if I'm just insecure with my body because I'm really skinny and suffered emotional abuse earlier in life.

Because of this fear, anxiety and stress, my sex drive towards women has dropped nearly down to zero. I've tried watching gay porn many times to see if I get an erection. Sometimes, I'll feel a little movement down there, but when I reach down in my pants, I'm softer than a pillow. Hell, I don't even remember who I was before this thing hit me. I've lost track of my goals, dreams and my hobbies. If I won the lottery, I would probably still be scared I'm gay. I have a gay brother and I read somewhere that homosexuality is genetic, and that scared me because I look a lot like my brother and I'm scared that we may have similar genes. Sometimes, I'll have a romantic fantasy about a "perfect girl", where we are just lying in bed, staring into each other's eyes, smiling and this feeling is amazing, but when this thought of being gay pops in, it kills the whole mood...do I have HOCD or have I been in denial my entire life?

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