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Kamal
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Feeling detached and emotionless
   Fri May 18, 2012 6:40 am

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Feeling detached and emotionless

Permanent Linkby Kamal on Fri May 18, 2012 6:40 am

Hey its my first post so Idk if im on the right track here making a new blog.
Im just having a psychological issue, possibly mixed with a biological one, and I have a feeling its gonna get serious ..
I'm almost 18, male, and in a relationship.
I just feel like... I have lost touch with reality, I do get happy, just not euphoric, I do get sad, really depressed sometimes. So I know it's not depression, cuz my mood feels pretty normal, but I feel a bit emotionless, I dated a girl for a year and a half.. I thought I loved her, or at least really cared for and liked her, but one day.. she was about to get hit by a car right in front of me and I didnt even blink, I didnt even yell to warn her or anything, I wasn't shocked, it wasn't cuz im slow because I fully realized what would possibly happen I just didnt care enough. I thought this started at a late stage but if i try to go bk in time, my mom once had an asthma attack and almost died, the meds were not there, and I was nervous.. i was looking for them, running up and down the stairs I was about 15, I did care to find her the meds, but it was not emotionally driven, it was rationally driven. I don't understand why this is happening, none of my reactions or actions are emotionally driven, I get sad becuz I realize I have to, even when I cry.. I think to myself.. and I realize its so fake.. becuz im crying to convince myself that I am so emotional.. and then i actually cry for that matter. I don't feel any emotions towards my family members, my dad, a few months back, got a little bump in his mouth that he (he's a doctor) diagnosed it as a tumor that may or may not be cancer, and we were waiting for the test results.. i was crying 247.. i felt i loved him.. but when i thought rationally of why im crying, i realize i feel bad for him, at how he wasted his life without even living it and all, i wasnt sad cuz i LOVE him. I don't know what this is or if this is normal.

Even now, I have a gf, for about 7 months now, I love her with all my heart.. I care for her... but sometimes I feel like I dont.. and aside from all this emotionlessness, theres also bad memory loss, im having a pretty bad long term memory retrieval, long term potentiation, working memory is bad (short term), focus is bad, i would be talking about a topic then i think about another and I just drift off in the conversation. I'm even having a hard time talking!! yes I am bilingual, my native language is arabic, but I am so fluent in english and this never happened before.. I just started stuttering every now and then, I look back at what I said and most of it doesnt make sense, I look for words and I cant find them, so I use an extremely simple vocabulary becuz i cannot recall anything formal even tho im a second year student at a pretty tough university. I feel so detached sometimes.. I feel EXTREMELY careless, my sister dies? oh well... if I imagine i lose my whole family in a car accident, i begin thinking of how id survive, how Id deal with the mortgage, what to sell, what to keep, if i will continue studying, i think about MYSELF, I don't even become sad.. i don't even feel a bit sad.. It wasnt always like this, when I was a kid.. If i "think" of losing my mom, I cry like crazy, I used to be so emotional that my dad hated my softness, but then it was gradually going away.. starting in probably age 13.

I think its a teenage problem, becuz if it starts at age 13, wasnt always there, then it must end soon? it started to severely deteriorate right when i entered university, becuz I pretty much changed my whole environment, around that time, I began going to another city every day from 6 am till 9 pm becuz the campus is in a nearby city, I broke up with my ex and asked a new girl out, I had a plastic nose surgery, I changed my glasses shape, I changed my hairstyle, my facial hair, I completely transformed, i felt like i was doing it on purpose, i was running away from the past, i didn't like it, i wasnt abused...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Kamal on Fri May 18, 2012 6:50 am, edited 3 times in total.

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