Resolve Rating has dipped a little today to 85% which is concerning. Following on from yesterday’s entry I wanted to talk about what lead to my last double relapse, the trigger event etc. I guess I could see it coming somewhat.

As I've said, I did go 8.5 months sober before this latest double relapse. I had been keeping this diary offline and had been dilligent in making an entry every day without fail from Jan 2016-April 2016. In May 2016 though, looking back that is where gaps started to appear in the sense that on some days I wasn't making entries in the diary. These gaps got gradually larger over the next few months. Sometimes I wasn't making a diary entry for 5 days and was slacking on my recovery work (my vow/plan in Jan 2016 was to do 20 mins a day). I have seen videos from Dr. Milton Magness on youtube (channel is called gottostopit) which say that if you are getting lazy with your recovery work then a relapse is on the way.

I think what also lowered my resolve rating was something that went on for about 5 weeks. Basically some relations came to stay where I live and it meant the house was more crowded and I just wasn't at peace. These were the circumstances which saw me relapse before the 8.5 months sober in Jan 2016. I need to work harder at my recovery work, make sure I do it everyday so I am better prepared to deal with these situations and emotions.

So the trigger event for my latest double relapse was me seeing something on my private parts and thinking that it could be the start of testicular cancer. Obviously this is jumping to conclusions but like I say I have OCD/anxiety. Anyway, my “cunning” addict used this to give the rationalization for acting out –“yep, life is short, you could die tomorrow etc. may as well just enjoy today and not worry about the consequences”. The real me knows Mr. Hyde is wrong here, and that is complete nonsense. It’s nonsense because I do not ENJOY acting out. So it doesn’t matter if a meteor is going to hit the earth tomorrow, acting out would still not be a good choice.

Anyway, I went to the doctor to get checked out and reassure myself. The GP was female and checked me out but obviously this involved her checking my private parts. Unfortunately, although I didn’t want it to this aroused me sexually and in combination with the high anxiety I had felt put me into “the sex trance” that is mentioned in the “cycle of sexual addiction” youtube video by Eric Bohlin (very good vid). Thankfully, my health was fine but the anxiety I felt the previous day, maybe combined with the relief/reassurance of the doctor seemed to combine to form the trigger event.