1 day sober
RR 100%
So as you can see from my sober clock reset I acted out yesterday. Didn't update this since Wednesday so you can see a correlation there. I didn't go to any of my 3 usual 12 step meetings over the last week. Lame excuses to not attend 2 of them, the other one I did have a legitimate appointment stopping me going but now in hindsight I have to think that could I have done more to make this appointment at another time?
Anyway, I'm trying not to beat myself up over acting out yesterday (I paid for sex) because I know from my learning in recovery that guilt and shame fuel the negative cycle of addiction. A fellow in recovery told me a good metaphor for recovery from sex addiction which is that you are in a boxing match with your inner addict. Your inner addict is a very tough opponent, it's like fighting the world champion. Your opponent knows you like the back of your hand. He knows what makes you tick, every detail of how you think. He can predict your moves. When you are fighting an opponent this tough, you can't expect to get through the fight without him ever landing a blow. So yesterday, he landed a punch on me. What can I do though? Well I just take it on and carry on with my fight, with what I'm doing. So that means I carry on ducking, weaving, and jabbing/punching him - I carry on going to 12 step meetings, working the steps of recovery, doing outreach phone calls to people I have met at meetings, updating this blog etc.
Also on the positive side of things, I have gone 56 days without watching porn. I also listened to some really good audio last night which was recorded at a 12 step meeting for a different addiction I am recovering from. It was talking about admitting you were powerless over this addiction, that your game plan for life wasn't working and that the 12 steps are a game plan for life that you can use instead. It talked about how people try to intellectually "figure out" their own way out of addiction and that their own way clearly isn't working. So you have to just go with the 12 step programme and not analyse the process. The part you analyse is the results you get from it. I think I have had some reluctance about this because in the past I feel like I have blindly followed religion and this other scam programme and it had bad results on my life. However, with this 12 step programme I have seen the good results first hand at meetings and I want that too. It also feels like a relief to "hand my life" over now I think about it (although I was reluctant to fully do this at first) because I will have less thinking to do and will be less conflicted on a day to day basis. The 12 step programme isn't a puzzle, or intellectual challenge. It's a grind, it requires effort but not clever thinking - you simply follow the steps and do what people who have gone before you in the programme say to do.