Ive worked through some things and starting to work through more things. Can feel old age all over me; Eyes; different joints. muscles... I can lose weight but I gained weight again. Lots of people cant lose it; I still can.. But still; its a sign.
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Im feeling insecure and scared and completely alone and alienated.
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Ill continue to work with God; But Im not sure what happened. reality came creeping in.
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I did not get the financial boost I thought was going to happen. Ill continue to work with the universe; Im not sure why the universe is not helping me... I dont understand. I know so many others where it is working for them...I mean; they have things.. Im living on state help. Its not just about the state help but it is.
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delusional thinking.
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As for my first love; does not exist. More n more as I work on things and things of my past; The deep drawn out feelings for this person; They are feelings spilling out into know where... I took a predator and tried to apply feelings to it. I ignored all the red flags of sanity; Sanity because nothing exists; not did exist.
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Its important for me to say; nothing exists or did exist. Nothing exists or did exist... I got swell of desire when 12 years old for help. I needed an escape and someone to love me; I called to God for this... I was being abused and I was thrown away.
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I found myself in a new town and lied to and not loved; no one cared about what happened to me. When a car showed up in the drive way with a brother and his friend; I went with him. Where it went; to someones house and a girl was at that house. And it was pure evil because that exactly what it was; the brother was evil and my brother was evil; complete 2 faced liars.. These people did not take me to a nice person; they took me to a predator and a liar; a corrupt entity. I was a decent person; these people were predators; she was a predator...
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Ill continue to bring up those 2 relationships until they are worked out to a point of understanding that their were no relationships; both individuals were predators and not my friends... Its laughable; they were not capable of having friends; either one. And Im still addressing them with the concept of being close enough to them to know. I was not; I was completely dissociative.
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Never let anyone tell you true dissociative disorder is anything other then another angle or branch of schizophrenia; that is all it is. I was schizophrenic.
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both people is reference to my first love and best friend. In reality; these both are predators.
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Lets talk again about the first girl I loved. I seem to have a system that shoots out emotion with a specific intent but goes nowhere. I had all these feelings built up to find someone that I could love. but I was not being protected nor was I around any safe people; nothing in any direction and that is the delusional part; the part where I could not handle reality nor was I in reality; my mind and soul were broken and it was as if I was floating around in another reality claiming I was in still a different reality. I do this today; same thing. I was not in safe environments...
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When I met people when young in that other city; non of those people were nice people; they were evil and corrupt. I was a nice innocent person around corrupt dangerous people and thus; that would be all I would meet; well; Thats who I met.
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My mind was broken; I had been pulled out of my original housing and life when young; ripped out of it but my mind could not take all that and stayed in the past; it could not make the change.. it was 2 fast and abrupt and destroyed.
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So; let the reader understand; Im trying to come out of the dilutions of the past. And the more work I do; proof exceeds they are delusions. I had no girlfriend of the past. Thats the first delusion. I went with corrupt people to someones house; they were liars...

[ Continued ]