by Jellybeanery on Sat Dec 24, 2016 8:36 am
I just need a place to vent and what better place than my own blog, so I don't constantly bring this up in other threads. I just need to write it all out.
In September of 2015 I was put on Zyprexa after a gnarly manic episode that landed me in the hospital. Little did I know about the nasty side effect that came with it- excessive weight gain. In just 3 months I gained 20 lbs. I was taken off of it in December 2015. Then I started Invega, then later, Invega Sustenna. This medication made me lactate and my prolactin went through the roof, making me gain an additional 10 lbs. So I stopped that and started on Saphris which led to a deep depression with suicidal ideation and self harming and I was sent back to the hospital where my meds were changed to Depakote. Then I started getting really gnarly vertigo which landed me in the hospital again. After a 5 day stay with visits from a psychiatrist, we decided on Latuda. My NP agreed this would be a good med for me (it was on my DNA test profile thingy) because it doesn't cause weight gain.
Well, here we are, one year later, and I still haven't lost the weight. In January 2016 I started a strict diet and frequent gym visits. I was able to maintain my weight, but wasn't losing. Then I couldn't afford the gym fees anymore and had to stop going. I maintained healthy eating and still didn't lose. In October I began a really strict detox diet. No luck. In fact, I think I gained more weight. And just recently I started a strict 1200 calorie diet. It's too soon to see results from this, if I even get any. According to many online diet calculators, I should lose this extra 30 lbs. by June 2017. And that's without exercise. I read many success stories of people losing significant amounts of weight just by eating less and not working out. I really hope this will work for me.
Sometimes I feel ridiculous for this bothering me so much. It's only 30 lbs., right? But I have always had low self-esteem and body issues. No matter what I weigh, or how I look, I always think I look bad. I hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hate the way I feel. I've lost all confidence and my clothes don't fit and I don't have money to buy new clothes. My new meds are working great, but I know that if I lost this weight I'd be so much happier. I hate going out because I hate how I look. I'd rather be inside wearing leggings and T-shirts rather than having to put jeans on.
I feel like I'm going to develop an eating disorder. I eat very little and I get mad when I get hungry. I think food is evil and will only get me fatter. I constantly call myself fat. I obsess about my weight all the time. I count every single calorie. I get upset with myself if I go over 1200. I don't want to talk to my NP about this, but I'm going to ask her if she can put me on a dietary supplement, since my PCP won't prescribe me a diet pill. I've been taking L-Carnitine, as told by my NP to lower the prolactin, but also as a fat burning supplement.
Bottom line: I have tried everything and nothing is working. For a year, I have been trying. And what really bugs me is that last summer, I lost 15 lbs. without trying. And two years before that I lost 10 lbs. just by eating less. And all of a sudden I can't lose anything. I think the Zyprexa severely messed up my metabolism. My PCP even said that's what it is. And I suppose there's really nothing I can do about it. But I'm going to keep trying, and hopefully by the summer and I can write another blog about how I lost the weight.
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