Our partner

Hucal
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 258
Joined: Wed May 25, 2011 8:38 pm
Blog: View Blog (1)
Archives
- October 2011
My symptomology
   Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:52 pm

Search Blogs

Feed

My symptomology

Permanent Linkby Hucal on Thu Oct 20, 2011 11:52 pm

I feel like I have a large mix of symptoms from mental disorders, and in order to help me better understand myself (and maybe help anyone reading this understand me), I wanted to list them out.

- I have a pretty unstable sense of self. I often have a hard time describing what I am like, usually because I mix up who I want to be and who I really am. This has been a fairly consistent symptom for a while, and really a pain in the ass because often I'm not sure what I really act like.

- I have a hard time recalling specific emotions once they are in the past. Usually if someone (let's say my psychiatrist) asks me how I've been feeling lately, I have a hard time remembering and describing what the emotions were... I just remember that they were there (I have no idea if this makes sense).

- I like to instigate problems between other people for my own amusement. I have done this many, many times, but due to my outward appearance of being trusting, caring, and honest, I have never been caught.

- I can lie from time to time. I usually lie by omission (leaving the parts out that won't hurt me) when it comes to abusing drugs or other things I know people won't approve of. I do lie straight-up sometimes, but doing so places me in such a state of stress I depersonalize. Speaking of that...

- I depersonalize when I'm lying, manipulating, or under the influence, which makes my actions at the time very difficult to control, considering that it doesn't feel like I'm in control. I feel like I'm borderline delusional in this state. I have written myself notes while depersonalized talking to myself in the third person, telling myself to do criminal things and reminding myself that another being is in control of me.

- I frequently doubt my sanity because of things such as the depersonalization. Sometimes I wonder if I am going psychotic or will someday, and I think that I would actually prefer psychosis and not knowing I'm crazy than having a good insight to it.

- I have low self-confidence. I make rather lame excuses for why I'm not doing things that I should be capable of.

- I have low self-esteem. I don't like that I am 21 years old and have never had a real job. I feel pathetic that I tried to kill myself over a girl. I don't like that I am so dependent on my parents for care, but at the same time, I blame them for having raised me to be this way and not encouraging me to do things on my own. Now I feel it is too late to develop the skills to survive on my own.

- I have homicidal fantasies every day. Sometimes killing people I know that have harmed me (physically or mentally), but I mostly have fantasies of being a serial killer. I have been having these urges since I was 15 or 16. They stopped for the most part (downgraded, really) when I was taking Zoloft, but are now back.

- I have OCD and obsessive tendencies. Small things, like when I get a stain on my shirt, it will be on my mind and bug me all day, unless I take the shirt off and put a new one on. I also get random ideas to plunge myself over ledges and spontaneously attack random people.

- I am highly intimidated by authority figures... I do not know why, I just don't feel comfortable around them.

- I feel very awkward around normal (as in sane) people. I enjoy being around other people with emotional or mental issues because I can cut back and tell them I'm the same way. Especially people with personality disorders, because I can just be myself and not worry about being judged.

- I am very bad at making eye contact with strangers or acquaintances. I will only make it when I am self-conscious and realize that I need to be making eye contact, otherwise I'm staring off somewhere in space. It's the worst if I'm driving in a car and someone in another car looks at me... I can't for the life of me look back, I just look forward and pretend that I didn't notice them looking at me.

- I am highly impressionable. People rub off on me very easily, and I often find myself developing...

[ Continued ]
Last edited by Hucal on Fri Oct 21, 2011 6:10 am, edited 3 times in total.

0 Comments Viewed 6404 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Julifee, Julihvh, Julipga, Julippn, Julirra, Juliulz, Majestic-12 [Bot], Snaga, xiximmxi