I have just called the police about a person from my past that acted a bit strangely once.

The reason why i called them is because there has been a rape in the neighbourhood where he lived.
I haven`t seen the person in many years and i could be completely wrong which is why i am feeling a little bit uneasy at the time.

Whenever i am in a grey zone i hate it.
I am the type of person who likes to be certain about things and i know how devastating it can be when i am wrong about something.

Once i was so wrong about something that i winded up feeling sad.
I can be a bit neurotic at times and i have been working on it for many years.
I have always been a careful person who doesn`t allow just anybody into my life.
I have to make sure that they are secure people.
You hear about so many things happening in the world and i think that is what made me a bit neurotic.

Sometimes i imagine that people are dangerous but never in a "off the limit way" if you know what i mean.

I know the difference between real and unreal...

I think that the thing that made me this way is that i grew up in a very unprotected environment, i was taught to read and follow the news from a quite early age.

I remember i was at the house of a friends once during school and she wasn`t allowed to watch the news.

I would read newspapers when i was 13 years old uncensored.

So i guess that is my statement my childhood wasn`t censored enough so i took in a lot of information when i was too young to gather and organize it in a proper way.

Kids have great imaginations so this got a bit mixed up for me.

So this one time i called in a tip to the police that was totally wrong.
I called in because my boyfriend had worn a similar hat to the one in the drawn mugshot....the height and body weight didn`t match at all


He got called in to the police station and had to sit for an interview.

I later talked to him about it and he was very upset.

I hadn`t know him for that long so...
I apologized and felt like a git for not having read the mugshot report more carefully.

We winded up moving together anyway and he forgave me for that so thankfully it all turned out ok.

But it lingers there somewhere in the back of my head.

Yeah sure we all make mistakes i can`t take out that piece of me.

So this guy i mistakenly called about once for many years ago was my boyfriend for a year.

He was nice and sweet and had so many qualities that i sought after in a guy.

Unfortunately he was also a diabetic so i had to take special care of him which i sometimes felt like i didn`t.

Once i close the door to him because we had a fight and i still feel bad about it, he had his medications inside the flat which i wasn`t thinking about. (He also had a pen with him in his jacket and his parents lived close by where he also had a lot of medications).

But i still feel terrible about that even if everything worked out fine in the end.

I had some difficult times with myself during that relationship, i had just stopped working and was totally lost for every sense in life and i know some of this came over him.

We had fights where i would throw food on him and i wasn`t at my best behaviour.

Despite our trials we managed to find our way back to forgiveness and friendship and we parted as good friends.

He will always have a special place in my heart.

Things were cracking in my life at that time, i had lost my job, the relationship to my sister and the relationship to my mother was a horrible thing.
He didn`t know about all of my problems because he wasn`t capable to "see" them and so i never shared them with him which is why our relationship became a vacuum of locked up feelings.

One of the reasons i couldn`t share my feelings about what was going on was because of his disease, the other which i learned about afterwards was that he had a drinking problem, so he struggled with his own demons too.

Once he disappeared and it turned out he had been drinking in a bar.

He told me about his drinking problems after the break up.

He had depressions and i think it was a bad combination for me to see him at that time.

But despite that i still went on loving him, and i still love him to this day.

After our break up i tried to commit suicide because i felt both our depressions at the same time and it was too heavy to carry them so i tried to kill myself with his strong sleeping tablets while i was packing my things down to move out of our flat.

The only thing i can remember was that i bent down to pick up a cardboard box and then it all turned black and i woke up in ER two days later.

This is about 10 years ago and i am doing a lot better today after thinking a lot and going to a therapist who stopped me being suicidal.

He saved my life which i was feeling a bit uneasy about for a long time.

First i was annoyed with myself for not having taken the tablets when he wasn`t at home and then i felt angry because he had saved me when i had failed trying to do the same for somebody else.

So i felt as if i wasn`t really deserving that save.

A damn #######5 feeling to have inside.

For as long as i can remember this is how life has been for me; a lot of tangled up feelings of guilt, shame and happiness that surrounded me while i was trying to find the end of the thread.

Now i feel a lot older and wiser and i look at the people who are younger then me and in some sort of a harshness in life and i think that its a 50/50 shot of them making it.

The thirties can be harsh for some people but i don`t want to stamp any age as being the worst age since i have seen people a lot younger with the same kind of problems, so there is no right age for despair.

Just know that when you hit it it is going to feel heavy and you are going to feel as if you are never going to get out of that #######5 feeling and life. But you can...

My therapist sat on me like a piece of heavy iron...everytime i wanted to kill myself she would stop me even if she wasn`t in the same room with me.

I think she died because my treatment suddenly stopped and i never saw her again, so i am feeling sorry about that.

I know she had a good life where she was proud of her self and what she had accomplished.

I saw a picture of her with her husband in a newspaper and i could see that she had a really good life with him and that makes me happier.

A lot of therapists work in total darkness since their work cannot be shared like Dr. Phil does on television, so there are many who don`t get the medal they need for their hard work.
You should know that somewhere, someone is grateful for your hard work.

At least if you have gone the extra mile the way she did with me, i have had others who wouldn`t even go one day in my footsteps to aid me on the way but that is another story about another therapist.

This one for sure saved my life and she is the ideal therapist in my eyes.

This blog is turning out to be long...today.

I also had other problems when i went into that relationship, i was actually totally overloaded with problems.
I had just experienced not one but two suicides close up to me, a dog drowning in a pond, and relationships ending with my co workers.

Many emotional things went on at that time and i think i was desperate for a break and instead i engage myself with a man who also had many problems which then only put another pressure onto me, so in the end i tried to kill myself.

The way i look at it is that people who want to kill themselves are people under inhumane stress...and they only want to escape that anger and pressure they have inside, so only a tiny break from it can do a lot of good.

They should be isolated away from their anger.

Make changes....

Feelings are a way of taking the temperature of your life, if you have a lot of bad feelings inside it can mean that you are not doing things right for yourself.

I think about plants and flowers they need the right climate, the right sun or shade environment and the right moisture in the soil to grow.

Some plants grow anywhere...others need more

If you are not growing where you are then maybe you need to change environment?

Unfortunately there are no easy answers and when it comes to stress......??

I used to work in a place where one of my bosses was my mother`s friend, also an old friend winded up working just one floor down from me.

She was an old friend from school that i had lost all contact with.

She also happened to be somebody i knew really well from my past, we used to share a flat together for almost two years and then we had a nasty fight and it went wrong for me.

We have spoken after it all happened but i felt really bad about her working at the same place as me.


You can`t have a life without problems, but you can have a life after problems