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Hallusinating
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The horror of being loved

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Fri Jan 06, 2012 3:33 pm

I really want to go on a date but i keep having mixed up emotions about it...
I think about how it would be to have a serious relationship and if i would enjoy it or feel caved in?

I am very unsure about feelings...i sometimes feel like an emotional wreck and i can`t forget about what has happened in my past.
Sometimes i think its much easier not to date to spare myself the expenses of horror that really is..

All the negative thoughts and feelings that isn`t so easy to just brush out of my head.
I am thinking that i need to find a guy who can stand me for the rest of my life, i know i shouldn`t have such diminishing thoughts in my head but i keep on having them!?
And i know they are there because of my past life..
maybe my past life was a too big liability for me to bear?
Or maybe i have a sort of fatigue syndrome when it comes to building close relationships because of my previous relationships?
I haven`t had anybody who stuck to my life, so even imagining that someone will is difficult.
I have been so used to taking care of my self so i don`t know what it will be like to have somebody else there caring for me?
Somebody else butting in, in my feelings and emotions, somebody else who thinks he knows me better then i know myself, another human beings emotions and opinions isn`t always that easy to cope with after a long and hard struggle with my family.
Which i am still going threw.

I have a lot of frightening feelings about "what if"...

What if he decides to leave me for a stupid reason?
What if he isn`t loyal?

Etc..
And when i think about all those "if`s" i wonder what the point really is?

What is the point in forming a relationship if the man leaves me for someone else?

In a world where we can change our appearance and our present so fast, in a world where we have so many options and so many choices, and so much freedom.
I know i worry myself a lot because i don`t have anybody there to tell me not to worry myself so much, like so many people have.
That moral support that seems so "insignificant" can be so important for every choice you make in your life.

Yet i don`t have it and i have to live by my own matters and measurements, which can be so difficult.

I have an image in my head of my parents just opening a gate and letting me and my other (biological) siblings out into the fields, without any care in the world.

I used to walk myself to the nursery when i was only 5 years old, yet in school i wasn`t let outside of the school yard by myself until i was 13 years old.

I also went to the shop by myself when i was 5 years old, which resulted in me almost being kidnapped by a paedophile.

And i almost drowned when i was 6 years old in Portugal because my mother let me bathe ( i couldn`t swim), on my own in the ocean.

So i know that someone has the blame for most of my problems.

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