Socializing and having problems is a challenge, i met a group of new people(friends) yesterday and when the question "what do you do for a living?" comes up around the table, i always feel a bit out of place.
Saying i don`t have a job and then having to explain the hundreds of reasons why is always a struggle.
Having a job is important its like an identity people can put you on hooks, a job can tell a lot about you as a person and how people are going to treat you.
If you work as a shop clerk they will treat you a lot more different then if you are a brain surgeon.
Also i am afraid that people will judge me as a lazy bugger who isn`t capable of anything.
I have had more jobs then most people and therefore i have a lot of experience.
All this experience is part of the problem...
Working with a lot of responsibilities can sometimes make people scared of failing, this can grow into anxiety.
Anxiety is only part of the problem, i have struggles with back pains and a complex health story.
Telling people about it is difficult.
My back problems is unstable, some days i can carry some heavy things and other days and i can`t.
Mostly its bending and turns that my back struggles with, so when people see me carrying a heavy back pack or something else they might start to wonder.
And then there is various liability damages around on my body that is difficult to prove without both x-rays and big examinations.
And then its the personal struggles.
Life is full of new challenges, i can seem energetic and i still can`t work i know that is a puzzle for others to understand but of course these are people who have only just stepped into my life.
Also i am so used to giving and have grown up with the moral that i should work for every penny, so this probably have something to do with my abundance.
I stayed up a bit late last night having a conversation with many people, the good thing about a group of people is that we all have versatile lives, one is like me without a job, another one had taken care of husband and kids for many years, so i can relate myself to them in various ways.
Even if i only drank a small amount of alcohol yesterday i still feel a bit hungover, i used to take alcohol better before i started on anti depressants(quit those some years ago) but i still don`t take to alcohol as good as i did before.
Don`t know if it has anything to do with the meds? but i think so. It can also be because i drink rarely and little?
Still despite this its nice to meet new people and get new influences
I sat on a chair all night and my back can sometimes feel a bit bad when i sit too long..the fysio i went to many years ago said that its the worse you can do with a bad back, you should either stand or lie down. That is a bit difficult to do when you are out at a bar.