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Hallusinating
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The foot of the black hole

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Wed Aug 31, 2011 11:45 pm

Both of my elder siblings have had psychological problems for many years.

First in my older days that i have realized just how much of a liability that has been for me.

Living with or interacting with people who have unstable minds and who also have a close relationship to you is both heavy and disturbing.

I remember going to the mental hospital to meet my sister, once she had a frighten look in her eyes, telling me that she was going threw a nightmare.

The other time i went there she just sat there and stared out in the air for a long time, hardly saying anything to me and occasionally gave me spear stares as if she hated me, and then shifted back to sweet again.
Its like she is struggling with her own feelings inside not knowing how to be.
Seeing a close relative slipping away like that is painful.
I know that i have shifting feelings too.
To walk out in the real life with shifting feelings is difficult because other people can see right threw you and then they don`t understand you.
You need something to trust in life, trust is like a platform from where all creations can be built, if the trust is shifting then the platform is too and you don`t get any masterpieces because it all just falls apart underneath you.
Deeper feelings is what a family is really about, all your values you get from your family and whenever they are in trouble they expect you to do something.

If you don`t then you are SOMETHING.

Many people in my family look for support for their own "political" case.
They all claim to be right in some argument and you have to pick which side you are on.

When a family becomes this instead of a team then you know that you are in trouble.

My brother also has struggled with many problems when he was younger. I went to his flat when he was 18 and i was a young teenager.

He had painted up side down crosses in black painting all over his flat.
It was so far apart from the brother i was used to seeing.

It was like crawling into his hell for some time.

His whole flat was destructed.

I didn`t really know my brother because the little time i had with him he wasn`t really honest.
And when he was honest he was always angry or mad and that made it difficult to understand him.

And also that anger had partly to do with me since i was in another "party".

He struggled for many years and i know he stills struggles sometimes.

I know that parts of him want to protect me and parts of him is in ignorance.
I haven`t seen him for almost 10 years and i think its best for all of us that i don`t.

If you don`t have contact with your family for a long time then it becomes someone you can live without.
I have a hole inside of me but i pretend its not there and i know that i have to keep on pretending that its not there as long as i live, because if i acknowledge what should have been there, then i am giving into the force that will drag me into a black hole, and i don`t want to be there.

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