Sometimes life can be like entering the highway where lots of cars drives back and forward and you are standing in the middle trying hard to make some f******** sense of it all!
Then when you finally put your foot on the gas you see someone ahead of you crash and wonder what the f************ you are doing there


Learn how to drive and get your lessons right....a friend of mine knew all that and still got bumped from the rear...ay what is a person to do?

My beloved friend who died many years ago was the type of friend who saw straight threw me, i only wish that i had the same capabilities back then to see her the same way and then maybe i could have help her(more). We lost all contact some years before her suicide, she moved to another city and despite that i met her two times by accident she didn`t want to have any more contact with me.
(Not in a mean way, we were always friends and we gave each other a hug the last time we met).
She moved far away and got new friends there i think she was angry with me for not understanding her. She had a temper because of her parents divorce and a rape she had experienced when she was a child, she started to abuse drugs when she moved away and i think she thought that i was too "innocent" for that group?
But she was never angry at me for it. I would say that she was older then her biological age because of her experiences. She had lived in South Africa during her childhood, her mother was from England and father from Norway so she lost a lot of contact with them both due to long distances and new marriages.

She was a stubborn girl, i got to know her at school when we were 15 years old and i stayed in contact with her for about 4 years.

We were good friends, i was invited once to a cabin where we saw the northern lights together but also were i saw her have a fight with her father.
She marched out of the cabin took on her skis and went alone to the parking lot 5 hours away the day we were going back to the city.

We were meant to go it together but instead i winded up going it alone and looking for her the whole way, when i finally made it to the parking lot she was standing there with a big smile and open arms. She always gave me hugs.
She had caught a ride on a snow scooter only 10 minutes after she had left the cabin, so she had been waiting at the parking lot for 5 hours.

Sometimes when i am miserable and think about death i wish for it to be in that same way...that i come in a bit later then her and there she is waiting for me with a smile and a laugh.

Of course i know this is not how it is..and i have to live with her inside my memory but that was a good memory for me because she cracked that smile.
I was feeling so tired after carrying a heavy backpack and skiing for 5 hours alone not knowing for sure if i was going the right way, so her smile eased me.

She was a good friend i know i could have spoken to about anything and that is why i miss her.
I also miss the laughs we shared as she was the friend i had the most and the best laughs with at that time and period of my life.

Also she came into my life after a friend of mine had mistreated me in a bad way so she eased my head in many ways....

I begged for her to stay in contact with me, i remember i asked for her to call me once. I was always glad to see her but i was like her also busy tending to my newly adult life with work and studying.
It was at a new job that i heard that she was dead...
I had just finished a course for a new job as a marketing interviewer and was about to have my first working day.
We worked inside a big office with about 100 computers and phones and the guy sitting in front of me was an old mutual friend of my friend and me, so i asked him if he had heard from her.

He just said that she had killed herself two years ago.

I was so upset that i had to leave, i told my supervisor that i had just gotten a bad message and she let me go.
When i stepped outside the office i called my mother and the only thing she said was that the same had happened to her once and that she also had lost a friend.

She started to tell me about a friend she had lost to cancer many years ago...
Like as if she wanted to have a short conversation that ended with "that is that".

Then i went home and up to my attic to find her old letters.

I travelled a bit when i was in my younger years and my friend never gave up on me no matter how far or near i was she would always stay in touch with me.

I went to another city and she came there and visited me for a weekend, again she eased my head because at the boarding school where i was i didn`t have a lot of friends, so her coming brightened up my stay there.

Then i went to England and she came to visit me again, we went to the seaside and had as always a lot of laughs.

During all my travels we kept in touch by writing each other letters and now i was searching for them
in the attic and what coincident was it?
Out of all the letters she had sent i picked up the one where she wrote about suicide first!

I keep my letters in a box and had a ton of them and the first one i pick reads " my boyfriend just broke up with me, i want to hang myself!"
She often wrote uncensored like this, the same way that she spoke, always so honest.

But she meant it as a joke.

Many years after she had died i realized that she was manic depressive, she could be really joyful some days whilst other days she was down.

She always complained a lot when she lost a boyfriend and she had a rough type of humour, pluss that i was too young to fully comprehend, so i never asked any questions about it.


I still can`t read the letters.

Maybe i will some day.