The morning atmosphere when it is 3pm can not be anything else then a illusion!
I have thought around my family problems trying to figure out how and why my family got so many problems.
So far i have figured out that it has got something to do with my grandfather, partially because my mother stated in a phone call once that mental problems is something one can inherit. It was a clue for me to figure out what she meant.
My grandfather fell in love with his cousin when he was young, i don`t have any details so i can only speculate about what really happened.
I try to excuse him away by saying that maybe they were so young when they met each other that they didn`t know they were related or the meaning of that?
I didn`t learn about his crush on his cousin before i was in my adulthood, when he restarted his affair with her many years after my grandmother had died.
My grandfather was also a prisoner of war during 2WW, he sat as a hostage for 6 months inside a factory where he had worked. Hitler told the guards to kill all the hostages if the heavy water plant was blown up. It got blown up but Hitler then said not to kill the prisoners, so my grandfather told me that ironically Hitler was the one who saved his life.
All those days in insecurity gave him psychological problems.
I can see similarities in his captivity and my mothers first marriage, where she later told me that she didn`t really want to be married to him or have his children, so i think this was her "therapeutic" marriage, to get over/understand her father. But then he also had some dark secrets that he didn`t share with her until she was much older, so...i guess my mum was right about mental problems being shared/inherited.
I think my grandfather might die soon? He is very old around 90.
The sad bit is that he only lives a short walk from me and i haven`t seen him for many years because of family problems.
I met him once 4 years ago and haven`t had any contact with him since.
He backs my mother up in the family issues and it is a difficult relationship.
I remember him best from when i was very young and shared many weekends at his and my grandmothers cabin in the forest, that cabin used to be a place where all the children from the first marriage could meet but it has been sold.
I think that the relationship to my grandfather has been "watered out" because of all the children my mother got in her second marriage.
Grandparents don`t know who to have a relationship to any more and it is difficult when my mother has so many children.
I am a little bit pis**** off today! I don`t have any money left, or what is left is just some crumbles and i had to sell a thing so that i can have money for 5 days until i get some.
I always get only small sums of money which makes daily life sometimes challenging when it comes to how to spend and how much to spend.
Then my neighbour started to drill next door to me(he has stopped finally but i am afraid of when he starts again... a damn nuisance! I only have one bedroom and no other room to stay in when he makes his racked and i went on a long bike trip yesterday so i need to rest!
Damn f-ing neighbour