Something strange happened to me as a child that i now look back at and see the damages it made.
When i was 5 i lived with my mother and my stepfather. One day my mother sent me to the shop to buy ice cream. I was walking down the street happy because i had money to buy ice cream and happy because it was a good day.
In the shop i heard a man talking.
He passed me by as i was opening the ice cream and throwed the paper in the dustbin.
When i came out of the shop he was in his car and he asked me if i wanted sweets.
He was inviting me into the car.
I had gotten orders from my mother not to respond to strangers so i said "no". As i turned around to walk away i thought it was strange he would ask me that question since i was holding an ice cream in my hand.
There are many things i could tell you from that day, like how he looked at me when i said "no", and how i felt his annoyance(which i know now). I felt him getting agitated, a new kind of feeling for me to feel.
The guy was a mass murderer who liked to torture and kill his victims.
He was driving thru the town i lived in on a highway that lead to another city, the shop was located right by this main road, and i know he killed someone in that other town. There is only one road that leads to that town-and that was the road in front of the shop where i was that day.
His name (i make up a fictive name here), was "Tom".
A few years later a boy named "Tom" in my class tried to strangle me.
I had a friend in nursery who was called "Aime", Tom (the killer) killed a girl by that same name many years later. Aime(the victim), had two teeth missing in front, the same as i did(but after i met him).
I started to have fear for "evil" eyes, if i saw a poster with evil eyes i would look away and get scared.
Aime was a lot like me.
The murderer has admitted that he choose his victims out of his own emotions. I know he wasn`t that experienced when he first met me. I think he killed aime because he didn`t get me.
His influence on me was big, as i have found out.
I have been in the mind of a mass murderer, and it was not nice.
A child should never be exposed to such kind of people.
Up until then i had only known people in my family except for my stepfather, and then people in my nursery. All "safe".
When i saw a picture of the psychologist who has treated Tom i felt as if i had seen him before.
You could argue that this was all just coincidences but i know they weren`t.
He was very professional killer who liked to kill other people. That was all he was good at.
He didn`t leave much up for failure and it took the police many years to find out who he was.
He was obsessed and i was vulnerable because i had lost my father and my siblings due to a divorce.
I know that if i hadn`t gone thru that divorce then my mother and father wouldn`t have let me go that store alone. It was because i had a liberate/not caring stepfather who saw it as right to let me do things like that alone. I also walked myself to nursery every morning and took my first plane ride alone when i was 5(I didn`t fly the plane, i was a passenger).
My father let me go because of many reasons which i shall not get into here right now.
I think my case is interesting as to how much influence something has on a child. A child is like a sponge.
Today Tom has gone out in the media proclaiming his guilt and asking for forgiveness. I cannot forgive him.
I am always afraid.
I think that its more critical when things happened during development.
The mind is so flexible yet so impressionable, a disturbance like that sets precedence.
I don`t like disturbed people and i feel as if i should never have been exposed to that.
It somehow feels injustice.
I was just in a good mood, and i understand if the mother of Aime hates that man with all her heart.
I know he had some problems in his childhood but i still don`t feel ok with what he did.
Like my sister once said you can have a lot of problems and still be a nice person.
Just because $#%^ happened to him doesn`t mean he had to kill people for it.
There is (at least) one more coincident, he had a twin, when i started at school there was a girl who was a twin, she lived at the top of the street where i lived when this happened.
I just think its odd.
Sometimes i wish grown ups knew what in balance in a child really means(looking at it from a retrospective angel).
It was all so coincidental, yet not.
He had molested children before.
I am lucky to be a survivor-yet i hate that this happened to me. I had a flash back when i went to therapy many years later, and that`s when i remembered it.
I am bitter with my mother because she was so indecisive, i am basically bitter with my entire family situation. I am not satisfied with the stepfather she made me live with for many years.
I am really angry with her for not being a responsive and responsible mother.
Living with bad memories can sometimes be enough to destroy good relationships.
I hate my family.