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Hallusinating
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Leying

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Mon Nov 12, 2012 11:08 pm

Well i am having fun with words today.."leying" is my take on two words stuck together.
One is "lying" the other one is "leaning"

Because that is what i think people do when they lie or at least when they lie about something for long, like as if they expect the lie to become true if they just believe in it enough?


Lying can be provocative, sneaky and down right filthy.

Some people lie because it fills a void of dumbness inside of them like my mother.

My mum became pregnant too early and said so to me when i asked why she got divorced from my father.
Then later she changed the statement and said she had been raped.

Sometimes we lie to protect ourselves and we deliberately say that somebody else did it.

When you have a deep relationship to somebody like i have to my mother, that can be a very difficult thing to handle because she uses emotional blackmail on me so that i believe her.


As i said lying is a lot like leaning onto something, unfortunately not everything is built to last. I don`t believe my mother when she says that she has been raped, because there was so much going on for the both of them at that time and i think she was naive.

She followed him(my father) into a tent and then he lied on top of her, that is the only thing she has told me. In fact she used subliminal messages to tell me that it was him...she wouldn`t say WHO had raped her when i asked, but mumbled something about him playing soccer professionally and that she didn`t want to see him on the television!?

Right! Not once have i heard her say "change the channel".

My father played soccer...hmm there are other things here that are too complicated to explain but she has been very cold towards me and my siblings ever since the divorce.


So again she lies.

She lies because she has the illusion that its ok to do so, she lies because she wants to show my stepfather that she had a good enough reason to leave him, she lies because he took her by surprise and there has always been a silent war between the sexes, she lies because he grabbed her without her understanding what "a grab" really was, she lies because her father was in love with her cousin when he was younger and therefore i believe that he wasn`t really there for her regarding sexual thoughts/sexual wonders as she was growing up.

So many things has been hidden in my family that takes time to uncover. Apparently we have a "real" rapist in our family who were a part of a scandal so many years ago, when he was accused of raping a woman and thus making her into a slut/whore. This was back in 1800century.

But still fresh in the minds of my grandfathers family.

My mother had 2 more children(total of 3) with the man she said was a rapist.

The point is they were both only 17 years old.


I have no memories of him having done anything bad to my mother, neither has my older siblings.

The reason she left him was because my stepfather got very excited when he saw my mother because she had such a lovely eyes and was so beautiful.

And probably for many other emotional reasons...(failed earlier marriage, left his home country to study in our country, needed the company etc..).

So my mum couldn`t say "no" again.

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