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Hallusinating
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Influence

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Wed Aug 03, 2011 4:51 pm

So as i have said in my poems before i alternate between kick ass happy and bad ass angry all the time.

I have just gotten back from a weeks holiday up in the mountains when my mother has tried to reach me on the phone.

One minute i feel as if i am going threw something with some sort of happiness and control, then she comes up....
I feel the same way every time my sister tries to contact me-it feels as if they all want to put the blame on me for everything that has happened in my family.
Like they want to throw all their liabilities, problems and frustrations on me. Or actually the whole families liabilities...
Like as if i can do anything????
I wonder if they sit there thinking "oh she hasn`t heard about the problems for a while lets bother her"
Like as if i have a unwritten duty to do something.
I have my own problems and they can be more then enough to carry for me. I don`t have a job because of chronicle problems and i don`t have much money. Also i don`t have anything i could call a strong social network-so i am basically left out there to care for myself.
My mother has been given more support and help to her other children from her second marriage.
This has affected me in many ways.
Things have affected me in many ways, i am going threw all my influences because they are what has made me for better and worse.
I can see that many of my influences have come from my stepfather.
Even if i am not a mother i can see what a mother should be for her child, its ironic how i can see all the damages/lacks in my mother as a reflection of how she should have been.
For example she should have explained more to me when i was a child. We lived with a man who sometimes was very outspoken and like the saying goes "small pots also have ears", this is a quote transferred from my language where we call the handles on a pot for ears.
So small children also have ears...
Meaning that they do listen when others speak and what they hear must be translated to a language they can understand. When my stepfather was criticising others in front of me i didn`t really understand what he meant. I am angry because his anger seems to have been my only communication i had with him.
Either i agreed and was a friend or i disagreed and wasn`t.
I never disagreed and one of the reasons for this is because my mother never dared to stand up to him.
If she were to explain why he was so irritated (for example: Once when i was about 8 years old he yelled at the shop clerks in our local shop on the corner. Later when we came home he called them fat and stupid, seeing as he was a big influence for me in terms of punishments and force i had to believe him..if i didn`t then he would be angry.)
Now whenever i see fat people i think of his insults.
I know now that it was when he was stressed that he would blur out something like this.
I often went to this shop to buy groceries as i was sent there by my mother, so this argument he had with them had an effect on me too.
I know that other people might have other influential problems like alcohol and drugs, but i think this abusive name calling also is a bad influence on a child.
My stepfather has criticised me for many things too, it makes my relationship with my mother difficult or non with holding, since she always agrees with him.

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