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Hallusinating
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Hate and bitterness

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Sun Feb 10, 2013 1:31 am

Many years ago i read a book by Marilyn French about the relationship between a mother and a daugter(called something like "her mothers daughter"? Don`t know the english title for it).

There she mentions how a mother is being eaten from the inside out by her children, that her children take nourishment from their mother.

I think its a good symbolism, much of the book was about how her mother had made sacrifices.

I think for every relationship one makes there is bound to be some sacrifices.

When i look back at my childhood i can see how the road churns and goes against my favour for every choice made by my mother i lost a status.

Then i kept on loosing, in a way i felt cut up into little pieces.

I gave my toys, clothes and even my personal belongings to my half sisters-all to be accepted by them.

What i didn`t realize then was that i gave away my own identity, but it was expected from my mother and stepfather.

I had to share the room that used to be only mine with two younger siblings.

I only had 10% of the room as my stepfather had built a "loft" we call it a "hems" up in the ceiling.

Its like an oversized bunk bed with floor.

It was strange that i had to live so crammed when they had 3 living rooms.

Hearing your mother say that there is no room for you is not motivating.

Piece by piece i was eaten from the inside out.

Like a belt that keeps on getting tighter as the years go by

in the end you are expected to bloom on nothing

and then when you finally get your seed in the ground someone above you comes and stamps on it.

So now my elder sister are fighting with me-first i survive living as the only child from a different marriage in a new family,and then i have to survive my old family not coping with me living in the new one.

It both felt and was absurd.

A lot of bickering in between the families.

My father would talk about my mother with his two other children, so when they came over they would have split feelings about her new marriage-yet they would not talk about it before they got some years older. But the tense feelings were always there-i just wonder with all my father hatred how he expected me to have a good time living with my stepfather?

A lot of projecting i think i took the blame for others some times, and then that puts a tow on my relationships with my half siblings which is the only relationship in the family that is steady, as i see my real siblings so rarely.

So nothing was left alone, yet i felt as lonely as anyone.

All this confusion left me in a terrible mental state.

Whenever my stepfather wasn`t satisfied with me he made me feel like i was a no one, my relationships with MY family depended on how satisfied he was.

And his favourite hobby was to find my weaknesses and then showing them to my mother.

He did the same with my other siblings.

Always diminishing us.
And being as strong as a thread made of air, my mother wouldn`t do anything.

When your family pushes you to insanity you don`t forget them.

You remember them for always with hate and bitterness.

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