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Hallusinating
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Dynamics in a family

Permanent Linkby Hallusinating on Sun Aug 14, 2011 6:15 pm

I have already written a thread about my mother called " the crater", this blog is a continuing of that thread, since new thoughts have occurred about her and the way she has handled things.

I have written a lot about my family because there a lot to be said about them. You don`t have shallow feelings when it comes to the people who made you live.

I have thought about her personality towards my own stepfather and their relationship to each other because i think this holds the key to many of our problems.
As i have already told many in here i have to older siblings and like them i have also been in psychiatric hospital for shorter periods of time. My sister would live in one for some years and my brother too. This is a sad story about how a family can end up in a conflict that is so much deeper then the ones you normally go threw in divorces.
Divorces shouldn`t send children into mental hospitals and as i have begun to understand this i also have to understand my mother. That doesn`t mean that i agree to anything she has to come with(most of it is lies to avoid anyhow), that doesn`t mean that i love and understand her in a loving way, i will probably never do that. The problems she caused for my family has been to big.
What i can see is that there is a balance between spouses in all marriages...
Its give and take all the time, like a ball that bounces back and forward or a scale that goes up and down all the time.
You weigh your gains to the other ones and make sure that its equal.
In a family where mother has 3 children and stepfather has 0 you can see that the balance is already off from the beginning.

She was a stay at home mother-he was a eager student, again a shift in balance when it comes to education. He ends up getting a long education that gives him an image of being smart, clever and intelligent, he tries to get her out in work and she manages to have a job for several years.

This shift in daily life was a huge change for all of her children.
She is all of a sudden not a stay at home wife but a career woman who walks to job with a suitcase under her arm.

She makes advertising. Her husband tries to encourage her to find positive things about this career, maybe because he has noticed that he has a much more important job then she has. I think my mother was jealous at him for what he was doing. I also think that she was secretly afraid that he would leave her for somebody smarter. There was always a pressure of telling my mother how smart and clever she always was, like thanking her for the dinner.
In my opinion she was smarter before she even had a job, she knew the values of being a good mother to me, something that she totally lacked after she started to become so very busy all the time. At the same time she was working hard, we were also renovating a large flat, and building up a new family.
This takes up a lot of time so i was sometimes put to work for this new family of her by painting things for her or doing other things like babysitting or house cleaning.

Everything was done so that the queen bee would have some weights off her shoulder.

This is a choice she made why would i be a slave for her because she wants to have a new marriage?
Why did i lose so many things because she had to have a new family?
Is that fair?

Like i said i have written about this in other threads so no wish for repeats..
this blog was meant to be about the relationship she had between my stepfather and the inferior feeling she sometimes gets.
I think that its him who is giving it to her.
The problem is that she doesn`t want to confront him about it because that would make a grand conflict between them and probably result in them having a divorce.

The reason i take up their relationship/dynamics is because it has had a major impact on the rest of the family.

He forcing her out in job when she had 3 children to take care of made us lose important time we should have had with her when we grew up.
A time we were initially given but then it got blown away.

So not to make this thread go on for an eternity, the point of this thread was dynamics and how that has affected us, their conflicts effects us just the same as the conflicts she had with my father.
And it makes a spiral effect downwards the whole family.
She always had to impress my stepfather and this made her shift the focus from us the children over to him and his job.
She was always aware of her self and this makes a person be in constant defence position, this can again result in aggression that isn`t the same warm, loving and gentle person that i had before she divorced my father.

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