Busy busy busy...
Angry angry angry angry

Yepp! That puts a button on it!

Only trying to keep my head above waves today...
I have called someone and i have to go inside a grill (again) some day and that is going to be boiling warm for me inside my head..gosh i envy those without all of my problems.
I have seen the same office with so many different people in it that i am sick of looking at the counter there!
Every time i go back there i have a new case worker its sickening and frustrating!
So i am angry, upset, hurt and frustrated..and not at least sick of hoping that the life i live will make some change but then it doesn`t so i wind up feeling dumb for screaming at what i call the wall.
Which is really just bureaucracy.
I am sick of my situation and knowing that someone`s dumbness put me in it!
So then i am more sick in my head..wonder when life will stop putting nails in my head?


This morning when i realized myself into the mysterious internet i chose not to take the long road in my explaining..hence i come back later that day to explain more of what is lurking inside of me at the moment.

I have had some problems with coming back to work and therefore have had to accept the possibility of not working any more. I have spent 10 years of my life trying hard to get back into something i have called a job but it has always ended up in problems for me.

I have so many physical and psychological problems that always come in the way for work.

Driving zig zag inbetween doctors, case workers and becoming a lost cause out there on the highway is not what i wanted to but what has seemed to be of importance on some instances.

Now i am fed up with all this time i have spent trying to explain to people what my life really is and then them not listening to me.

I have had doctors, psychologists and case workers who weren`t listening to me, which has resulted in them sending me on a long journey of frustration.

Instead of someone telling me not to work any more and saying that i need the time for myself i have always been met by people who more or less expect the unexpected.

For every new case worker there has to be a new explanations, same goes for doctors and i am fed up and sick about it.

Also when i have read their journals/reports it has shocked how untrained they there seem to be
it seems like they are writing for themselves and their own amusement more then for me their patient, so i am fed up!

They out rule things that are important to me and instead write about insulting things that are condescending or put me down in some way.

I had one doctor who i told i wasn`t seeing my family anymore, then a year after i had ended the treatment there i found out that my stepfather had called him

I would never have found out about that if i hadn`t read his journal, he never told me about it

I told him about my family problems i even had my psychologist with me once when we had a meeting at his office.

This psychologist wasn`t exactly in tuned with what i was going threw at all.. she had found a regular path that she went down whenever she got a new patient, and to me it didn`t seem like she liked things being "out of the ordinary".

Her approach was to look at the family and not one and one person...which at that time couldn`t have been a worse combination for me.

I haven`t been contacted by the employment office for 2 years, so i have just found the peace in my self to wonder around and keep myself at bay.

Now all of the sudden they want me to "upload" again all of my bad memories and tell them what is my problems, when i have already told them so many times before!

I am sick of telling them the same things over and over again-its like they are never listening to me!

I am sick of the system!

If you want to make something work you need to have a speaker and a car who jams into the damn building..that is my impression any way..
If i am met by a sceptic, arrogant, denying or condescending man when i have my meeting there on friday, i don`t know what i will do?

I have called a lawyers office about this cause i am fed up..she said that if things didn`t go good i could call them, and i will! I am so fed up of being a peasant on their chess board that they think they can do anything with!